Turn the eyes towards the ground

Things just suck.

I’m hitting a rough part lately. Well, not really rough, just, um, sucky. Dunno. My little world is in the shape of a very well-worn “V”. Home to work, to home, to Mojo’s, to home. :sighs: I’ve been in this situation for months (years?) now, and I’ve complained about it before, but it gets better, then worse, then better, and now I’m here. Things just suck.

Work is becoming a drag as things get slow, then fast, then slow again. Getting bored. I expect it to continue like this for the duration of my employ there, sadly. At a small printshop like that, there’s really no chance for promotion; you’re just marking time, keeping pace, passing time until clockout. The only change is new stories at the bindery table. That’s about it.

And that’s all I can expect until my next job. Don’t think I haven’t considered moving on. I have, but I’m trepidatious about doing so. My preferred job would involve programming and whatnot, but after being burned so badly with my old programming job, I don’t think I want to get back into it. So once again I’m at a nexus of “don’t want to be here, don’t want to be there.”

I guess I’m at a phaysis.

Past two days I found myself drained and tired after work. Last night I followed my own gravity and went to bed a mere hour after work. Laid down for a nap and fully expected a night of sleep. Not failing my own expectations, I slept from 6:30pm all the way until 4:30am. Got up, tooled around online, and laid back down for another hour and a half. Long enough to have a pleasant dream and wake up again at 8am feeling happier but still moody. It’s an odd place to be, an odd way to be.

Having no smokes left, I got up, showered, and went to the store for some cigs and breakfast. Continued on to Mojo’s where I soaked in some AM sunshine in the peaceful quiet of an Austin saturday morning. Went back to my car in the back parking lot to proceed with taking my dash apart in order to pull my broken car stereo. My tape deck stopped working about three months ago, and I finally had enough — I can’t use my CD adaptor on my long drives, and radio drives me insane sometimes, so I had to see if I could fix it.

After pulling my dash and center console apart, I discovered that removing only two screws and pulling a faceplate was all I needed in order to access my stereo’s screws. Heh. Well, at least I was able to clean out the cubic ton of ash and cola-gunk from inside the nooks of my console and from underneath it. Even found some stuff under there from the previous owner: a plastic token from Dairy Queen for a free soft-serve cone, a pen, a few pennies, and a quarter that’s been permanently fused to the body by cola gunk. :giggles: I even discovered where the control box for my airbag was — it’s been underneath my right elbow all along. I know it’ll take many many foot-pounds of force to activate the thing, but I’m still going to be careful around it. Definitely.

Well, car stereo out, I lock up the car and find a table in the side yard to plop down my toolbox and my now-lukewarm steamed chai and proceed to disassemble the unit. After careful examination of the tape drive mechanism I find some small, off-white clumps on the bottom plate. Pondering that, I hand-spin some of the belt pulleys and gears and discover that those off-white clumps are actually teeth from a very important gear that’s missing 1/3 of its teeth. Damn. So, if I want to ever listen to CD’s again in that car, I know what I have to do. I just don’t have $130 for a simple, basic CD-tuner deck. :sighs: So I just put the deck back together and reinstalled it. A tuner is better than nothing.

You know, I get paid monday — lemme see how my finances run for this paycheck. It’d be damned nice to have a new stereo for my expected 5 hours of driving next weekend when I go to [Texas Renaissance Festival]. Wouldn’t it, though? I’d rather not listen to 5 hours of pure Clear Channel Quality in Broadcasting. Definitely.

Speaking of TRF, I considered going this morning. Decided against it. Was glad I did – got to take care of many things today. The radio, some programming, some chatting, got an oil change, went to a stereo shop. After dinner I returned to Mojo’s to find (surprise) no parking, so I shrugged, said, “Fuck it,” and drove on to Zilker Park where I walked around by myself for over an hour. It was fun discovering something new out there – walked all the way down to Barton Springs pool and saw the whole city park facilities down there. Mighty nice. Should spend more time down there. Simply knowing those places exist brings me closer to feeling like a resident of this good city instead of the ghostly passerby I sometimes feel. Just before the sun started to set, I came back home, and now here I am. More at peace, but still blah-se.

Things still suck. I guess I’m just clamming up more because of it. Seems I say more through the keyboard than I do through my mouth, and I have no problem with that. When things start to suck, I just duck my head down, look away, and wander off. I have to. If it means I go it alone, then so be it. I did it when I moved here 3 years ago before I met the whole of my little world’s friends. What’s to say I won’t meet some more by going off by myself to other places, eh? As much as I let myself down, I realize that I’m the only one who’s there for me when I need someone. So, not counting you (my dear reader), I have to say, “To hell with the world.” :sighs:

“Head down
Eyes low
Hope pushed out.”

Published by Shawn

He's just this guy, you know?