I’ve forgotten how to relate.
Spent a lifetime of thinking the possibility of a relationship was more important than having a relationship.
Work has to go into it to bring it value.
But, no. I focused on the possibility. And now it’s no longer possible. I’m an old man.
The end.
I survived COVID-19. But I have this anger. Muted rage. All that worry, all that preparation, all that precaution, all the vaccinations, all the epidemiological learnings, all the discussions and warnings and avoidance. And I still got COVID.
Still.
I just don’t understand. I tried. Honestly tried. But I got it from a place of trust.
It burns me. And I need to discharge this anger. Ground it out. Dissipate it so it doesn’t hurt anyone I love. I just have this muffled resignation sitting on top of it, this sense of maturity, of keeping mum and taking it in and internalizing it and doing nothing until it eats me up. I just gotta let it go.
Go touch grass. Let it go. Acknowledge that those precautions kept me from getting it earlier, when I wasn’t in a space to handle it with grace. Let it go.
Get back to myself. Back to where I left off. Let it go. Find the lost threads of my life and pick them back up. Let it go. Return to source.
Dear Diary:
I hope you’re sitting down on the toilet, because you’re gonna shit yourself laughing.
Guess what I got last week! OMG guess!
Hahahaha. Haaaaahaahahaha. Hahahaa. Hahahahahahaha. Haha. Hah. Ha. Oh god I’m out of breath.
So yeah, that’s right, after 2 some-odd of the worst years of everybody’s lives, it finally came around to me. I have COVID-19. I’m down with it. I’m up with it. I’m hanging around with it. I’m avoiding the town with it.
It’s the first positive thing to happen to me in weeks.
At least I have my vaccinations, or this would be a death sentence.
Eeyore’s Birthday. That yearly event with all the hippies in the park. It’s like Austin’s version of the Hajj: every resident has to go at least once in their life.
It was really nice to get out and be an anonymous face in a large crowd. I miss that. So many beautiful people. I felt out of place, cringe, like a creeper — but everyone else was gawking too.
And that’s the point. Quorum. By being in a crowd, you see your place. You learn about yourself when you learn about others. You learn about how you stack up. About how you carry yourself. About how you present yourself.
Anything to free us from our accumulated dysphoria.
While walking around, I saw 3 faces that I recognized but didn’t want to acknowledge, and 10,000 faces I wanted to acknowledge and didn’t recognize. My circle of friends and acquaintances could use a little growth.
But yeah. After several hours wandering, people-watching, drinking, breathing dust, smoke, and all the great smells, I meandered home on the bus, blitzed and tired, but feeling good about things.
Humanity is healing.
I’m only here for the tits and ass. Everything else is pretense.
Obviously.
