And Now a Message From Our Sponsors From Beyond

So I get this mysterious, spooky voicemail today. It sounded like a mountain lion purring and breathing through a garden hose, or like an alien wraith lurking for its living prey. Deep and breathy. And the vocalizations went on for six minutes. I just knew one of my friends had to be pulling a prank on me, but who?

So tonight I picked up a 2.5mm adapter for my phone’s earphone jack and hooked it up to my studio rig. I clicked record and dialed my voicemail, recording all of the message. It went on and on and on, and was deep and ghostly. And the playback made even less sense. What could this be? What’s it all mean?

And then I attempt to decode the message. Played with the speed and pitch of the playback. It comes together at that point. It’s a human, obviously slowed waaaay down. When I adjust it to near normal speed and pitch, it’s intelligible. And do you know what it was? A telemarketing ad. FROM MY WIRELESS CARRIER. For a music service they’re starting. What the fuck? So now it’s obvious that their robodialer screwed up while playing back the celebrity-voiced pre-recorded ad. And all this work…for that.

So here’s to you, Cricket Wireless. FUCK YOU, Cricket. Fuck you.

Published by Shawn

He's just this guy, you know?

2 replies on “And Now a Message From Our Sponsors From Beyond”

  1. Wow. I can’t believe you even thought to do all that with the message. And how sucky it is that it was your phone company. Better luck next time on the heavy breather. ;-)

  2. To add insult, Cricket left another voicemail today, which is the same exact message from yesterday played back at normal speed. Thanks a million, Cricket.

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