I feel like my job has killed off all of my creative drive.

Not sure if it’s the job, or if it’s just middle-aged doldrums, or if it’s just physical, mental, and emotional fatigue. Haven’t made music in 3 years, maybe 4. Don’t write anymore. Don’t draw. Don’t even carry my paper journal, and that’s a shame, really. A damnable shame. It’s like my internal life is on mute, muffled under pillows to suffocate and die. Can’t possibly be healthy.

I know I want to write and create. I know I have the time after hours to do so, but where is the motion? Where is the push over the hump? Where’s the Muse to help me overcome the inertia of standing still when all I really want to do after work is rest, think about something else (or nothing at all), and try to recover? I mean, do I really have anything to say that anybody really wants to hear?

So the obvious cure is to write, and draw, and play, and be, like, not dead inside, right? Is that how it works? Can I force it? I dunno. But when I figure out the answer to my impending irrelevance, I’ll let you know, OK?


Eventually, I found myself in a land of pastel, of clean squares and ornate architecture. A long plane of gardens and villas, perfect trees, grid lines and curved surfaces broken up in pleasing ways to keep monotony away. Spiral columns holding up veils and sheets, wide beds for reclining and sleep. It was a place not unlike the perfection of a video game.

I joined my old friend; she was walking with a small child, a little girl of four years. We were going around between places, looking, talking, feeling, enjoying. “This is a beautiful place,” I eventually said, taking in the scene.

“You like this?” my friend asked, turning her face toward me.


Pointing to the child, “Kaeli made this.”

I stood still and looked at the young girl, stunned. She smiled and skipped away to go play with some flowers.

My friend crossed her arms and beamed. “You know what she did when she was three days old?” smiling. “She made Mars.”

Sometimes, my dreams are amazing.

Ideas For Sale, Cheap

I’m starting to consider Facebook a marketplace of ideas, where every post in my feed is a vendor trying to sell me on their idea. Thing is, I only have so much change in my pocket. I’m basically broke on attention and concern. And here’s everyone, trying to push their trinkets, amulets, pottery, hammers, and swords at me for purchase.

The best solution, really, is to just not go to the marketplace. Don’t even pay admission to walk amongst the crowds and tents. But the problem is: that’s where the people are!

Decisions, decisions.

9-19-91 First Journal

(transcript of the first page of my first written journal, in my 2nd year of college at OBU)

9-19-91 4:05PM:

This is my personal journal. It’s my goal to write down my thoughts, feelings, etc., when I feel like I need to. Perhaps it could be a key to find out who or what I really am, or what I want to be. I beg the reader of this document (this is for no one to read!) to understand these goals, to understand my attempts and my logs. I hope no one ever gets to read this without my consent. No one. If you can’t understand what I write, too bad!


If you read this you will notice that there aren’t too many “happy” entries. Bear in mind that when I am feeling good, I probably will see no need to make an entry, so chances are, most of the entries will be written in a “depressed” or “angry” state.

9-20-91 12:00AM:

I’m feeling pretty good at this moment. I am tired, as you might figure. I just got finished with a big Intro to Mass Comm assignment, and I’m glad. Why am I writing two lines per ruling? I don’t know. Habit, I guess. Besides, I write better like this, and I save space. It works for me. Oh well. I have to do some more stuff before I go to bed. (Do you ever feel like there’s something that’s got to get done, but you can’t remember what?!)


I’m feeling pretty good today. I have been for the past couple of days. Indian summer, I guess. Lots of questions about some people. Getting sick of some people’s criticism and sarcasms. It’s alright for a while, I’ve had too much. New table maybe? Yeah. Cool. Go for it!

What you’ll find is that this electronic journal is more of the same kind of things, but far less intimate. I love you, and hope you understand me more by reading, but the deep, dark stuff? Forget it. That’s what paper is for. Those will never make it to electronic form, not until long after I’m gone.

That being said, it’s true that I seldom write when things are good. I suppose many people do this, but I’m sensitive to that of myself. Thanks for following along and reading when you can. You make this all worth it.

Contact Points

So let’s start out with a little edit of my previous post. Seems I spoke a moment too soon — this morning around lunch, I punched Refresh on my FCC license search tab and kaboom my callsign has been published! Finally!

Ladies and Gentlemen, in the ham bands I am now known as: KG5RHR. Hello!

I made my first contact tonight on the Austin ARC repeater 146.940 MHz. Was some cool cat named Kevin who lives out in far east Travis County. We chewed the rag a bit, he gave me good advice, talked about Chinese radios. He now has the magnanimous honor of being my first contact. 73’s!

From my side of town, 3 watts and my mag-mount groundplane car antenna is enough for my Baofeng HT to get into the repeater mounted on the KXAN tower in Westlake. I need to try from other areas of town to see what my reach is (my apartment balcony has a direct line of sight to the tower, so I can probably work it with just my rubber ducky antenna). Apparently that club’s repeater is pretty sensitive, and its location and elevation is great, so it’s tough to be in a dark location in this town.

I can’t wait to make my first simplex contact; that’s when I know I’ve arrived.

Also, this is the annual AARL VHF contest weekend where hams can try to make as many contacts as possible above 50MHz within certain time, power, and location limits. It looks like it’s a little too late for me to get in on this, but it’ll be interesting to tune in and see if I can monitor any contacts. Should be fun!