Solo Pot Roast, 2020 Edition

Spending Thanksgiving 2020 alone and away from your family? Treat yourself by making Pot Roast! Here’s a recipe in 10 easy steps. You’ll absolutely love that flaky crust!

1: Purchase a 2lb bottom round roast. Find a cut with good marbling and a thick strap of fat.

2: Peel and chop onions, potatoes, and carrots.

3: Open the meat package and discover it is turning gray under the labels, even though you bought it yesterday and it doesn’t expire for another two days.

4: Cut off the bad half and hope the good half is salvageable, despite the line of gray under the pink outside. Rub with olive oil and seasonings. Sear on medium-high heat, a minute on each side.

5: Collect your spices and herbs, and mix together to create your seasoning sauce.

6: After some pained hesitation, place meat in crock pot and cover with veggies. Pour the sauce evenly over the contents, place cover, and turn on the pot.

7: Cook for 5 hours or until tender, or until you ultimately decide you don’t want food poisoning again.

8: Throw entire meal away. Not even the veggies are salvageable. Save your tears for later.

9: Remove turkey pot pie from box and microwave for six minutes or until hot.

10: Tastes like giving up! Mmmmm!

Alonesgiving

On a typical year, I travel home to Texarkana to spend time with my family during the Thanksgiving holiday, since most jobs guarantee time off for a large chunk of days. So, of the past 20 years living here, I’ve spent the holiday in Austin maybe three times. I’ve not been to a Friendsgiving orphan hangout in a long, long time.

Thanks to the increasing threat of COVID-19, I canceled my travel plans. Mom and I made careful plans to get tested and have a dinner at her house, then a distant hangout in my sister’s front yard. But we’re both sketched out about the risk, and we mutually canceled.

If ever there was a reason to go to a Friendsgiving feast, being stuck in Austin would be it. Except, y’know, that pesky virus thing. Womp-womp.

bAdwords

Google doesn’t give two shits, a fuck, or a good god damn about my blog, because I’m not an Adwords customer. And I’m fine with that.

I’ve never run advertising on my sites. This is a labor of love, and I personally foot the bill, paltry as it is. Do I give a fuck, two shits, or a good god damn about bumping up my PageRank to the first results page where Google secretly prioritizes all its own Adwords customers? Hell no. Anybody who really wants to find me can find me.

We could’ve gone in so many amazing directions with this world wide web thing. Instead, we chose the advertising model.