If anyone has been wondering, I have been going through some pretty drastic changes lately. I won’t go into detail, but the changes are deep, far-reaching, and life-changing. And I’m not at all in a good mood. And I’m not dealing well with the world. And I won’t be a part of the world for a while because:
I hate people.
As much as I love them, as much as I need them in my life, right now, I hate almost everyone. It’s bothersome to keep up with them. Too much effort to listen, to keep in touch, to pay attention, to chase them. I don’t get it. Can’t get it. Can’t get all the information, the data, to keep up. In the broad sense of things, I’ve reached sensory overload. I had to leave Mojo’s earlier because it was too crowded, too noisy, too irritating. Too many people, not enough me.
I hate people.
Something happened in my head about three weeks ago, and I can’t pin it down. It just went *click* and suddenly I’m testy, disinterested, short-tempered, unhappy, uncaring. I don’t get it. I want to care, I want to be happy, but it’s just not working. I don’t want to look at anyone, especially in the face, the eyes. I tend to look away when I talk to someone. Don’t want to connect. As much as I want the community of people around me, I don’t want anything to do with them. Don’t want to expose myself. Don’t want to trust. Not anymore. Not now.
I hate people.
There’s a behavior that happens in the animal kingdom. It exhibits itself in herds, schools, flocks. The sick animal tends to distance itself from the group. One theory is that this helps to protect the group, with the animal thinking of the group at large. Perhaps. Would fit in-line with most behavioral evolutionists. I have a different idea on it, though. Again, Richard Dawkins, father of the “selfish gene” theory, puts forth a better idea, and my take on it is this: the energy spent by the animal to keep appearing healthy and sexually fit, worthy of being socially viable, in-step with the group, would take energy away from getting well. To keep itself alive, it pulls away. This is the first time I’ve considered this, and it makes so much sense. And this behavior is not unique to the “lower species”, but to us, to me, as well. So therefore:
I hate people.
If I don’t make any special effort to contact you, or spend time with you, or make my way over to greet you, don’t take it personally. Do not take it personally. I hate you too.
I knew you would understand.