Women still turn me on-

Tonight I’m in a decently chilled-out mood. I tuned to KGSR on my drive home from a friend’s house and discovered that they play a radio program I’ve not listened to in the years since netradio.com passed away: Musical Starstreams. Forrest, the host, seems to have an excellent taste in the best ambient music out there, and that chilled me out so smooth. I extended my drive for another hour just to listen and take it all in.

I grabbed something to eat and came home. Found a girl I’ve not seen in 3 years was online, so we chatted. Another girl I like also came online, so we chatted. And what was funny to me was the common threads running between conversations. It seems to me that we’re all lonely. We’re all trying for mates and running into no luck. We’re finding problems with finding mates who see things the same way we see them.

The second girl was having a major problem with men who make the wrong assumptions about relationships; her beef is that there are a lot of guys where she lives who feel that if the sex is good, there’s probably something wrong, because it’s obvious that they’re in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I mean, what about personality, intellect, linguistic patterns, right? Wrong. C’mon, guys; it’s not all about sex, sure, but, as she puts it, “I don’t think I could tolerate a lifetime of mediocre sex.” Well-put. Her main point of contention is that people should get out of the saint/whore complex; get away from it. If someone is good in the sack, they’re good in the sack. Sex is an integral part of the pair-bonding in any relationship; if it’s lacking, there better be a damned-good reason to overlook other shortcomings. Good sex is no reason to pull away from a relationship. In my opinion, and in my experience, the better the sex, the stronger I want to stay in that relationship, the more I want to see that girl, the more I will gladly compromise.

The first girl’s point of contention is that, for one, she’s not the kind of girl who will hide her true feelings, and she doesn’t want a boy who expects that out of a girl. When she has a problem, she’ll talk; sometimes forcibly, but she’ll talk. With her, when her man asks her, “Honey, what’s wrong?” there’s no, “Nothing, honey” spoken through gritted teeth. She wants a man to be her “partner in the business,” to discuss matters openly, and to take care of problems. She’s had enough with soft men; those who’re “afraid” of a strong-willed woman. And I can see where she’s coming from. I’ve had a girlfriend before (in my early years) who willingly sublimated herself towards the goal of keeping me and, honestly, that freaked me out. I don’t want half a woman; I want the whole woman. That means the great sex, the alternate point of view, the randomness and interest of having two minds in the deal. I can see her point.

I admit that I’m still a tad naive on the matters of love, but shit, if I can see eye-to-eye with these two women, then what’s my problem? Where are the rest of the women who share their viewpoints? Why haven’t I met them? Why is my bed still empty?

I have a possible answer. Roughly three weeks ago, I had an epiphany. Around 85% of my friends are male. A regular sausage-fest. The problem is that most of those guys, the ones who aren’t in a relationship already, are totally happy with sausage-fests, if you catch my drift. As I sat up at Mojo’s one night, talking tech with some of my buddies, I looked around the table and it dawned on me: I was surrounded by gay men. It didn’t bother me at the time, but it kinda bothers me now, but not for the reasons you’d expect.

So here’s my epiphany: I, Shawn Thomas, have become a “fag-hag”. I hang out with gay men. I live with gay men. I talk and chat with gay men, and I end up spending little time and energy on meeting the women I so desire. If I continue in this path, I may be a single straight man for perpetuity. And this bothers me. I don’t want a family, sure, but I do want a girlfriend, a partner, a woman. Women still turn me on. And I’m distancing myself from them for neither good nor ill. I’m distracting myself with sowing infertile soil, so to speak. I may have considered being gay at one point many years ago, but never experimented, never did anything about it. It’s not me. It’s not what I am. Women still turn me on.

It’s my hope that I find a solution to this problem soon. It’s been five thankless years since my last girlfriend, and over two years since my last one-night-stand, and it’s tiresome.

If I can see eye-to-eye with these two girls who, sadly, don’t live in my own town, then why can’t I find one who does?

:sighs: Women still turn me on.

Published by Shawn

He's just this guy, you know?