Transcribed from an offline journal entry written on Sunday, July 4th:
I do hate coming home for the weekend.
Same story. I get stuck in the house, for usually no good reason, and then go out a bit late in the day to plan something usefull. I dunno.
I’m currently sitting at Denny’s waiting on my meal. First meal today. And it’s 6:40pm. I should’ve called around to some of my friends, see what’s up and what’s going on. Today is the Fourth; no sense in wandering around aimlessly, but it looks like an eminent possibility.
Coming home is fine sometimes, and a drag other times. I was all gung-ho about visiting on thursday and friday. Around 7pm friday, things just wound down, and I wasn’t so interested, but I went anyway. And I’m here. I saw the town fireworks last night. Meh. About as interesting as any other town’s fireworks display. Getting into the park was little trouble. Getting out was the bitch and the bastard. Took me 45 minutes. Senseless. I was two city blocks from the interstate. Bleh.
But I left and drove around. Went out to Phil and Sandy’s place, cruised pasted to see if their pool party shindig was still happening. Didn’t see much of anything, so I drove on. Wandered around, stopped at a quickmart to pick up something to quench my dehydrated self, and went to see my core group of friends. As expected, they were all congregating, but they were congregating to throw a going-away-to-Japan party for a friend of theirs who works for a defense contractor. Got to meet him in real life for once; nice guy. I didn’t leave that clump of houses and their hospitality until around 4am. Snoozily drove myself back to my cousin’s house after grabbing something to eat and crashed out on the couch, light on, tv up.
Slept hard until 12:30, a half-hour before I had planned on waking up. And, as usual, I sat on the couch and watched TV; got suckerpunched into watching “Highlander”. Bleh. I’m sure the movie was good back in the day. I’m sure of it. But this whole pre-digital effects thing is so, um, 1980’s. But I finally got my ass up and moving, took a shower, got dressed, and around then my mother came home from work, so I hung out and chatted with her. That’s always a good thing. Got to see her room out back. Interesting. A one-room shack is where she lives. The shack’s been in the family for decades now, and after two uncles and two cousins, my mother now lives there. The rent’s cheap, which is good enough for her. She’s a real trooper.
I’m currently listening to the new Skinny Puppy album. Picked it up thursday. This weekend it’s been my salvation; a link of sorts with the larger world. I stacked a good mp3 collection on my laptop for the driving jukebox, among them is a cdrom full of industrial, futurepop, and rivethead-ambient songs ripped from Digital Gunfire. All of this has been my salvation, this angry, dark, and socially-disgusted music. The sun is out, the days are getting brighter, and my soul is inside, getting darker. Feh.
There went my Goth moment of the week. Heh.
But I can’t help it to not laugh or sneer when I look at all these little people in this little town. I used to think they were something, and they WERE something, but I left town. I saw larger things, larger places, larger people. These people aren’t so something anymore. And I can’t help but look at them as if they were like the cattle that they raise. A lot of good, decent, life-affirming “salt of the earth” folks here, and I can’t see them for anything special because this town has nothing, nothing to offer but chain restaurants, chain stores and chain smoking.
Sure, these are the people that make up 60% of this country. I’ll accept that. Grass-roots working folk. That’s no problem. Our country needs them. But it’s just impossible for me to see them as being anything but shallow, non-evaluating people who see only to the immediate needs of tending to their job first, their families second, and their future third. Their potential is just not considered at all. Potential is just not even on their radar. To them, potential is something only their “smarter than yours” children can possess; potential is just not for them because they have to work. And that’s how I see it all here. Just cattle.
Save me from this narrow-eyed mindset.