Mumb

Currently in a state of spirit death.

The only thing I do anymore is work, watch video, and try to mollify the pain of existence.

What do I do when I get bored? I log in to work. Nights. Weekends.

If you can make a living doing what you love, you will never work a day in your life!

— Credo of desperate self-employed entrepreneurs with something to sell

Bullshit. You will work every damned day until you fall, because you’ve pushed out everything else.

I’ve pushed out everything else.

Hobbies, friends, passions, loves, dreams. Dead. Spirit death.

Nothing brings anything approaching joy but solving computer problems. And I hate computers. It’s like playing Mahjongg, or Sudoku, or arranging pieces of broken furniture on the floor in regular patterns. The solved puzzle brings a squirt of endorphins, but then you’ve lost the night.

I wonder where to go from here.

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I wish I could live correctly, but instead I find myself spending my free time doing work-work, and the interstitial time wondering where my free time has gone and how to get it back by declaring PTO (paid time off) on my timesheet so I could go out into the world and get an atom of space and perspective.

Because I’m certainly not living correctly.

Also, any clear liquor mixed with orange juice is nothing more than Truth Serum to me. Life is shit.

Also, LAID BACK.

See Level Flow

I have dreams of moving to a coastal city, something near big water. I miss easy access to looking across an expanse of waves, mind wistful and blank as I experience my place in the universe. Rama-rama, ding-ding.

But my sinuses have questions. The past few times I’ve traveled to humid or sea level locations (Seattle, Köln, London, etc.), my nose gets oversensitive to the humidity and causes trouble. Like, getting stuffy and runny and itchy until it builds to full-body sneezing. That kind of trouble. To the max. Walking into the Köln Dom foyer for a minute and then walking out for 10 so I can settle down without looking like a plague rat. And the sinus meds I find barely touch it without sapping my energy and attention to the locale I spent good money to get to.

But, for the sake of weight, I also travel without the humidifier tank on my CPAP (yes, I use one, don’t freak). So my mucus membranes dry out and crack at night, and at the first sign of humidity in the morning, they ramp up and flow nonstop until sneezing happens, in permanent cycle, until it finally heals.

So I have concerns.

I should do some experiments where I travel with my humidifier tank, despite the space and weight it adds to my luggage, and see where that takes me. I mean, it’s a punch to my brag that I can survive Europe for 2 weeks with only a 25-pound carryon backpack and an 8-pound day bag. But if I can make it work and improve my experience, fine.

Seems my sinuses don’t like high humidity, and my eyes don’t like low humidity. My body just doesn’t want me moving anywhere but where I’m planted. Stupid body.

Slip

Over a month since my last post, and today’s the last day of June, so I should probably make a post. Not like there are any ad metrics to game, but ok.

Lot on my mind, and it’s all white noise. TV static.

June hasn’t been kind.