Keepin’ up with the Bones

Just a quick update:

I’m working on making the html of Phaysis a little more robust. It’s still a little screwy in IE (all versions), but looks fine in Mozilla. Netscape 4+ is just right-out. :sighs: Really goes against my drive for cross-browser, cross-platform design techniques. It’s a learning process, at least. :shakes fist at the CSS gods:

I haven’t written anything substantial on the website engine in roughly 2 weeks. Been too busy doing other stuff, and sitting down to code this particular chunk of program code is taxing at best. I wonder if I’m going about it all the right way, or if this chunk is really necessary. :shrugs: I’ll make some decisions about it soon.

I visited Texarkana last weekend. It was good to spend some decent time with my family saturday night. None of my sister’s kids were sick, her husband was available, and mom was doing well, so we all had dinner together at mother’s house. I decided to forego visiting some people, namely Moderne Primitives, in order to hang with the fam for a few hours longer, and it was worth it. It almost made the 13 hours (!!) on the road last weekend worth it (where the hell is high-speed rail when we need it?).

I smelled natural gas around my apartment complex’s courtyard last night, and it kinda freaked me out. When I came home from work this afternoon, I still kinda smelled it, so I called the landlord. His assistant told me that the landlord was over here at this complex this morning and noticed the smell. He investigated and found an open valve in the vacant apartment directly underneath mine! Holy shit! It’s since been closed, but I’ll still keep my paranoid nose in the air for it. That shit scares the bejeezus out of me; everything I own, car excluded, is in this apartment. Ugh

My 11-day absence from Mojo’s has been kind of refreshing. I’m spending more time at home lately, which is kind-of a good thing. I’m also out doing other things that I skipped-out on when I spent all my time in one place every night. I’ve found it surprising how much larger this town has gotten now that I’m not a regular anywhere. Breaking habits is the first step to listening for Serendipity’s call. She knows my number.

And you folks who “miss me” know my number too.

All your Bass are Belong to Neighbor

Drove around tonite for a bit, just long enough to get a little wound up. Went home and made a valiant effort to sit down, relax, meditate, breathe and try to think of nothing.

It was successful until about 10 o’clock, when my neighbor decided to crank up his bass car and visit with buddies in the parking lot beneath my window.

If I only had balls.


It looks as though I’ll be going to Texarkana by myself this weekend. :sighs: It’s par for the course, really. It’s great to make plans, but shit always happens. I’ll get to visit with my mother, my family, and some of my friends, but if left up to my own devices instead of being driven to show someone around town, this same damned scenario will play out:

I’ll wake up late saturday, shuffle around the house, watch some TV, eat something, lazily take a shower, and by the time I leave the house to visit with people it’s 8pm. I zip by Moderne Primitives just in time to say “hi” before they close, and then I go to my friends’ clump of houses to hang out until too late, usually doing nothing but talking or watching TV. If it’s 1am or something, I might go to Denny’s. Elsewise, I drive back out to the country to slump back onto my mother’s couch and nod off.

I usually get woken up Sunday by visitors or something, laze around, chat with mom, fully intending to see more friends or maybe extended family, then I have to shower, pack up my things, and leave town around 7pm, which becomes 8pm, which becomes 8:45pm, etc., etc. By the time I reach Austin, it’s around 3am, I’m tired as hell, and the distance from Georgetown to my exit in Austin grows longer and longer. After pulling in, I grab my stuff, haul it back upstairs to my apartment (usually in 2 or 3 loads), check my spam, say “hi” to a few folks online, and then pass out to wake up 4 hours later for work.

Believe me, I know this routine.

Skrowerif the Fugnificent

Hmm.

A dull 4th of July weekend indeed. Hmph.

Thanks go to anyone who bothered to read my last post. It was long in the tooth but I didn’t care. It’s good to remember, and I feel it’s a story I find myself recalling out-loud a lot, so I wanted to get it out and published so I could stop retelling it. The few responses I got from that post were positive, and I want to thank you guys. I’m considering making a section here that’ll have stories just like that, a “rolling autobiography” of sorts. I have stories, as does everyone, but if I could post the stories that illuminate the definition of who I am and where I’m from then maybe, just maybe, someone out there will know me and understand me better.

Memory is the curse of the higher-order mammals.

On a more recent note, I went out “drinking” last night. A friend of mine twisted my arm into going downtown, which we did, but after spending 20 minutes driving the distance of one block in 6th-and-Red-River gridlock, we shucked the idea and ended up at The Texas Showdown. Had a pitcher of beer, good beer, from [Live Oak Brewery], based here in town. Well, actually, my friend had the pitcher, and I had half a pint before I was overbuzzed to the point of questionable constitution. Her fears about me were confirmed: I’m a damned lightweight. I swear, by summer’s end, I’m going to drink a whole damned bottle of beer and not need to puke. Hmph.

Got back to Mojo’s and had myself a mug of coffee and some good chatter with some other folks (I could finally hear again), and got sobered enough to drive home.

Friday, though, was a different story altogether. I woke up in a funk. A slump. Crick in my neck, head hurt like hell, and my worldview was mighty small. Just didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I had plans to go downtown to see the fireworks, but I just sat on the Mojo’s porch and watched the world go by. Left for home early, took a Xanax to calm my chest, and waited for bed.

Sunday, today, wasn’t much different. I’m just in a slump. I think I’m getting burned out on this whole programming-as-a-hobby thing. I love doing it, I feel the drive to finish my website engine but, fuck, if I can’t ignore the world long enough, if I can’t pay attention to my code, I get so lost. Programming at Mojo’s is a bad idea these days. The section of code I’m working on filters SQL queries based on the permissions of the current user. Works, mostly, but I’m at a point where the code almost feels repetitive and it’s kind of intimidating the amount of work I have to do to make it work right.

Called my mother for the first time in a good while tonight. Was good to talk. Told her I’m planning on getting out of Austin for a few days and I’m coming to visit her in Texarkana this weekend. She was happy to hear that. I’m gonna see if I can pull somebody along with me for the weekend. I need to get away for a bit. Seriously.

Tired at 31. This is so wrong. Does anyone else feel that way?

Distances and Reflections

It’s interesting, the breadth and depth of the people we lose contact with. Amongst recent days full of recollections of days gone past, it’s unsettling to bring back those memories of places, atmospheres, and people, close people, and then to look around and find nothing, no one, like it was. The best you can hope for is to see glimpses, taints, of the people you knew in the people you know now.

It’s approaching mid-summer now, and I’m looking back into time. Only one time period can be seen; it’s the summer of 1995, my last summer in college. Halcyon days they were. I was living on campus that summer, as I had for the previous three, only during this particular summer I had no classes, no courses; only my dayjob at the campus printshop, my newborn adult mind, and my handfull of close, close friends. I stayed in the dorm just to the west of Francis Crawford dorm, top floor (which oddly was the ground floor on one end). Communal showers. No running water in the room. Shared ventilation. Low ceilings. Small closets. Really odd, odd accomodations, but my roomate and long-time friend Stephen Gent and I made the best of it. Had a hell of a time there.

Stephen, earlier in the spring semester, introduced me to his friend and classmate Donna Crochet. Over the spring semester, as I had a part-time security job in the Francis Crawford dorm lobby, I got to spend some time with Donna, helping her to heal from that night’s damage inflicted on her by her then-boyfriend Richard who treated her badly. Every night she’d come in either laughing or crying, and we’d sit and talk in the lobby as I tended to my arduous door-watching duties.

A few weeks from semester’s end, Donna gave up on her boyfriend; it was forthcoming to say the least. Stephen and I were both cheering her on towards that goal. By summer, Donna was a free woman and ready for another try with another guy.

I had discovered that Stephen would be staying on campus during the summer to take two classes, and we sought each other out for a rooming arrangement. Our partnership then would have vast effects on the future of that summer. We had discovered that Donna would be staying that summer as well, taking a class. Stephen and Donna decided they could make some extra cash by working at Magic Springs Amusement Park 30-minutes away in Hot Springs, with Stephen working sound at the stage shows and Donna working tickets. Proved to be a good arrangement. I would work my dayjob, come back to my room at 4:45pm, chill out for a bit, make some dinner, listen to some loud music, and around 8 or 9pm, Stephen and Donna would come home from Hot Springs, usually with some ongoing conversation and a plan for the evening.

Now, there’s something you have to understand about Ouachita Baptist University: since the charter of the university is Baptist in nature, and a large portion of the funding for the place came from Baptist dollars, you’re damn-right they upheld Baptist principles. So, not even during the summer was inter-sexual visitation allowed. Each sex could visit the other sex’s dorms only in the lobby, and during limited hours at that. Well, during the summer of 1995, I had been there for 5 years, poured tons of money (and vaporbucks) into the school, I was a senior, and I would be damned if my dorm’s Resident Assistant (a fellow schoolmate) was going to say anything about Stephen and I having girls in our room. Seeing that it was easier to get women into our room that to get us into theirs, mine and Stephen’s room was the hangout for most of our friends.

Ok. So Donna grew up as one-half of a pair of twins. She was always accustomed to having someone sleeping in the same room where she slept. In that situation, she slept better, more at ease; couldn’t sleep well without a roomate. Stephen understood this, and asked me if I had any problem with Donna staying the night while her summer roomate was gone to Little Rock for the evening or the weekend. I had no problem with that, and we made her a nice, thick pallet on the floor. A few more sleepover evenings later, and the sleeping on the floor became a shared bed with Stephen (seperate covers, of course). I will admit I felt a little guilty about making her sleep on the floor. She deserved some mattressed, covered real-estate in the sky with us, right? So, there she was, sharing his bed. No biggie, no problemo. We all said good night Johnboy, giggled, and nodded off to sleep.

By next weekend, the Donna-Stephen sleeping arrangement was getting old: apparently they both move around a good bit when asleep, and on those twin-size beds, that’s not a good thing. So I suggested she sleep with me, seperate covers, head-to-foot, etc., etc. That was rough sleeping, I will say that much. A girl, close to my age, in my virgin bed. Sheesh. I didn’t get much sleep that night. The next time around, I got even less; I told her she could sleep head-to-head. At this time, it was all still quite plutonic, but the tension was there. A few more evenings, and I get brave enough to allow her to share my covers; it’s less she has to sneak in, less to crowd our tiny bed.

Later that night, something happened. In the twilight of the Arkadelphia night, under glow of stars, moon, and campus streetlights, we made out. Snoozy, half-asleep, with slumbering Stephen in the next bed, we made out. The relationship between Donna and I was redefined that night. The next day we sat outside on one of the stone benches and just talked, trying to sort out what happened. Up until that point, Donna had been talking with me to see if we’d like to date, to be an item, and I was generally reticent on the idea. But that night changed it all. Throw hormones into the mix, and you can expect drastic changes.

So, over the course of the next days we continually changed our definitions. It had been 5 years since I last dated someone, and I was taking it as slowly as I could while still embracing the hope, the prospects, in something new. It was a new energy to me, a stranger inside whom I had to meet again. That friday night, Donna offered to have me stay in her room for the night. It was there and then that we gave ourselves up to each other for the first time. As humbling as the fumbling was, we had found peace in her bed, in her quiet room, in each other’s arms.

That summer sticks strong in my mind as I remember this season’s past. I can’t help but to remember the look of Verser Theatre, at the intersection of Pine Street and Ouachita Avenue, just in front of our summer dorms. I can’t help but remember the sun’s glare from those buildings; the breezes; the heat from the asphalt, concrete, brick and stone; the well-maintained grass; the thick shade of old trees; the parking lot to the side were Donna and I rediscovered the openness of communication and garnered the heady resolve that got us through the rough, unsteady days of our early courtship; the cool nights at Lake DeGray, at the picnic table by the crooked tree, where Stephen, Donna and I, and a few other friends would congregate with wine coolers after closing hours and night-swim; the gazebo by the Ouachita river where Donna and I would play and press into each other for hours, damning all the mosquitos and the glare of the student center at the top of the cliff above.

And it’s funny how eight years can change and tear away everything. The last time I heard from Donna was just after our breakup in the fall of ’95. Last time I heard about her was in 1998, through Stephen. And the last time I heard from Stephen was two years ago in a brief email. Our time together was sweet, and it’s sad that our trio came to an end.

I was eating out tonight, after work, and I saw a woman who came in as my meal was nearly finished. I looked her over, and I saw a faint hint of Donna. She wasn’t her, but it was enough to spark the memories.

My time has passed on, and all I hear are echoes, praying for sounds to be born again.

Ping?

Bored with life

Yep. Bored with life. Pretty much. Yeah.

sigh

And no, Virginia, stupidity isn’t in the equation. Things just suck. No forward motion, that kind of thing. M’kay?

Settling into an increasingly harmonic vibration; a monotone. 439Hz. Hum drum. Been at my job long enough I was allowed to sign up and start my 401(K). Couple that with my savings account and, um, does that mean I’m getting old? Hmm. Being old wouldn’t matter if variations happened, if things were interesting for once. Christ’sakes.

Tired of working, tired of eating, tired of laundry, tired of sleeping, tired of hanging out, tired of missing concerts, tired of skipping parties, tired of iced tea, tired of ramen, tired of smoking, tired of anxiety, tired of projects, tired of programming, tired of driving, tired of writing, tired of reaching out, tired of talking, tired of digging for shit to say, tired of keeping with bored company, tired of trying to find a good woman, tired of wondering what the secret formula is, tired of having no reason for people to seek me out, tired of seeking, tired of being without base, tired of appearing to lack depth, tired of lacking confidantes, tired of sharing too much with acquaintances, tired of “too much information”, tired of helping, tired of no returns, tired of failure, tired of this journal entry.

Serendipity, I could really use your touch right now.

I feel like wandering.

(update)
How appropriate. When I viewed this message after posting it, the fortune cookie gave me this: “Far duller than a serpent’s tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.” Synchronicity is cruel.