Dissed Connections

Me: sitting at Epoch trying to enjoy my cup of light roast.

You: rambling on about your stupid E-cigarettes to anybody and everybody you can. The way you rave about them leads me to believe one of two scenarios: 1) you are so hungry for someone to validate your lifestyle, or 2) you are on the e-cigarette vendor’s payroll. Sure, you’re not burning anything and stinking up the airspace, but it’s still an addiction.

Attention Whoring for Dollars

  • It is not even 6 o’clock and the sun is already setting. This cake is a lie!
  • You. You are:
    1. grand
    2. spiffy
    3. busy
    4. _______ a goat.
  • May cause nervousness or excitability. Please exercise caution when operating a motor vehicle.
  • I found a dollar in the dryer. It must be my lucky day.
  • You ain’t preggers and living in a 27-year-old single wide with an unemployed drunk named Von Ray, are you?
  • I pieced together my music studio. Maybe the investment in gear and assembly will net me some musical material.
  • Guzzling water and hanging christmas lights in your closet on cold meds is no way to go through life, son.
  • Attention, passengers, this is the captain speaking. If you look out the windows to your left you will see the 8th wonder of the world, the Grand Toadcicle of Monte Cleavis.

How Soon Is Tomorrow

Tired eyed and stumbling.

Speeding up time, the pattern is seen. Day, to day, to day.

I miss the future. A decade ago, there was hope. Like all of my tomorrows were a treasure. Like time was my greatest resource. Like the presence of time itself meant I had all I needed to convene with friends, meet strangers, feel belonged. Haven’t felt that in years. Instead, I shrugged off every person in my life who brought complication. The downshot is that I shrugged off every person, and used my remaining time on my own worthless pursuits.

Coworkers ask me what I have planned when I leave for the day. I make up stuff. To fill the empty spaces during the day, instead of the usual water-cooler talk, I confess to my mundane activities. “I was going to do laundry last night, but the machine was broke again.” “My mother called to tell me my sister blah blah blah.” Mundanities. Nobody cares about that. But it’s all I got to offer. Silence would be better.

The future meant I have so much potential. Funny how nobody asks what we want to be now that we’re grown up. Grown-ups know better. Potential is time unspent. There’s still time unspent, but tired eyes don’t want to see. The walking sleep don’t dream.

Hand the Feed That Bites

“Hi Shawn! I do read your site on occasion but I don’t remember to check it often. I won’t even pretend to say I pull it up every week to catch up. I’m just too busy with my hectic life to keep checking back.”

Hey kids! Shawn Thomas here with a special offer!

Do you often find yourself lost in a backlog of blog entries posted by your friends and feel like you have no hope of ever catching up? Do you often forget your best friends’ homepage URLs even though they’ve had them for years? Does this ever stop you from enjoying the interpersonal discourse that the Internet makes easy?

Well, do I have the product for you!

Did you know that you can read my blog entries without having to remember to visit my site? It’s true! Such wondrous technology exists! I know it’s such a hassle to remind yourself to read my electronic ruminations, so why not make it easier? Subscribe to my RSS feed!

What comes with a Phaysis Dot Com subscription? Everything you see here (except for the layout, and the page graphics, and all the other stuff). But that’s not all! Whenever I make a new entry, it will be posted instantly to my newsfeed.

How much effort will you expect to spend on this modern marvel? A lot? A whole lot? A crap-ton? It’s yours for the low, low price of EASY. It’s a patented process we call 1-2-3-Feed! Just follow this easy THREE STEP METHOD:

  1. Find an application called a “feed reader”. You can use one of the many, many readers that are offered as a service by many of the most popular websites. One popular example is Google Reader. Have a Facebook account? Use Facebook Reader! How about Myspace? Using one of these services allows you to follow all the newsfeeds you want without ever having to go to anybody’s website, no matter where you happen to be!
  2. If a site you love to read provides a feed, there are two easy ways to tell. The site will provide you with a link to their RSS or Atom feed, or your web browser will notify you with an orange “RSS” logo. Click either the link or the logo to find the URL of the feed. Copy that URL.
  3. In your feed reader application, find the “Add a feed” or “Subscribe to a feed” button. Press it. You should be given a form where you can paste the URL to the feed you want to subscribe to (copied in Step 2). Paste that feed. Finally, click Next.

That’s it! You should be subscribed! Yes, it’s that easy to follow anybody’s feed. Amazing!

Act now for a taste of the easy life. RSS Feeds are Standing By! Never be lost in blogging history again!

A Mission of Mercy

So I’m taking the slow, iterative process of helping my friend Mark convert his site to WordPress. The whole thing is a mission of mercy. After hearing him groan plaintively for over a year about the drudgery of changing the design of his site by hand, I decided that it was high time to have an intervention. Continue reading “A Mission of Mercy”