Due to a recent health issue, my doctor told me I had to stop drinking, give my body a rest. It’s not that I’m addicted (I’m not), it’s that I’m habitual. When there’s a bottle in my house, of course I’ll have some shots before bed. But I’ve been doing this daily — for the past three-something years. My liver’s not pickled or anything, because quite honestly I never got to the point of killing a fifth all by myself in a night, but that low level of alcohol knocked some things out of balance, caused me to go to bed dehydrated, have crappy sleep, and wake up hating the world. Now I go to bed hydrated, get crappy sleep, and hate the world in other ways.
So my most recent bottle was emptied about two weeks ago, and I haven’t been to the store since. I’m not saying I’ll never go back, or that I’ll never have another drink. That’s a bullshit claim. I’m saying that my health is something I need to look after, and that daily consumption may not have been killing me but it was making my health a burden to carry.
The downside is that I am increasingly pensive and irritable, to a hateful point. It’s surprising and it’s a scary thing. I don’t want to be that — I’m trying to take better care of myself by not drinking every goddamn day (only occasionally with other people around, for once). I don’t want to hate, don’t want to be antisocial, don’t want to have all these negative emotions, but goddammit I have no release now, nothing to pat me on the back and tell me things will be alright. Y’know?
Is this to be expected?