Been living in a cloud for a while. After the success of the previous weekend and the mental clarity that the break from Austin provided, last week’s happenings served to drag me into a funk. I nicknamed last weekend “Socially-Awkward Penguin Weekend”, because no matter how minor the interaction, nothing really flowed right. I was completely awkward. That pattern persists to this day.
I wish I knew where the handle was to this mental state, so I could grab it and pull it off of myself.
It’s too bad that I can’t see to focus on one particular thing; can’t see the plan to follow one thing through to completion. One thing, that’s all I ask. Finish something. Anything. With a cloud of what-ifs, possibilities, permutations, expected unpredicted changes, dawdling to see what path is the best, it’s no wonder I don’t want to push forward. Onward through the fog, they say, but that means moving in some direction and living with it.
Honestly, I think that’s an allegory for my life. I’ve dawdled, waiting on the best option, saving myself for the right whatever that might be down the line if I could only make the right decisions. I’m too old for that now. The branches and possibilities that youth provided are no longer consequential. If I would only settle, take the brave step to become something, to put that dent in my untarnished exterior and change my character into something interesting, not something that doesn’t fit everything, but something that fits something important. Too much with the abstaining. I need to get involved with my life.