Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!
7:51 PM 3/9/00
Ah. A night OFF. Could it BE time well spent? Could I actually go OUT at night for once? Quite POSSIBLY.
Working my night JOB, I rarely get the chance to GET out and enjoy my TIME off. Living at NIGHT, all my “DAYS” are the same – DARK. It’s tough being awake when everybody ELSE is asleep. It wears on you AFTER a while — it’s worn on ME, and it’s wearing pretty THIN.
It seems to me that most of my ADULT life (and part of my teen years) has been SPENT doing things that preclude me FROM joining my peers in their PURSUITS, keeping me from developing too strong a BOND with them. I hear war-stories and RECOLLECTIONS of their activities as SECOND-hand retellings, like reading a history BOOK with a sense of humor; one of those “you HAD to be there” stories that never ENDS. In high school, I had a summer JOB that took the FREE-time I could have spent WITH most of my friends and took me AWAY from them. In NORTH Carolina, I had a night job that LEFT me solitary for an ENTIRE year before I left it: that was WHEN I suddenly developed a gathering of FRIENDS — for once, I finally met PEOPLE, but it took a virtual vow of POVERTY to do it (some call it UNEMPLOYMENT).
It seems THAT, in my cards, there is no RECONCILIATION between having a JOB and HAVING friends.
• • •
That sounded pretty TEEN-ANGST, didn’t it? Geez. What I mean WITH that is this: if some PATTERN begins to appear to you, SOMETHING that, in smaller doses, wouldn’t be ALARMING, but on a LIFE-LONG scale would drive someone to ANGER, tears, and depressive RESIGNATION, such as this job-v-friends thing, then it GETS pretty annoying.
See, I’ve had jobs during the DAY before. I’ve done the monday to FRIDAY 8 to 5 grind before; sure, I’ve BITCHED about doing it WHILE I was doing it (such is my nature), but at the least it released my EVENINGS to continue my pursuit of people who would RECOMMEND their time to me, people who would VOUCH for me, people who would actually GIVE a [damn] about me. Now that I’ve FOUND those people, and they know me, and they care for me, my 4-month-old NIGHT job has basically PRECLUDED me (once again) from continuing a FRUITFUL relationship with my friends, and has precluded ME from any chance of MEETING anyone new.
Was I a raucous SOCIALITE in a past life? Is this nothing more than COINCEDENCE? Is it in my CARDS, or in my head?