I am fat. There, I said it.

Not just fat, but "can't sit in normal chairs, have to buy from the over-priced big mans' shop, take up the whole bed" fat.
Yeah, I know, just stop eating, exercise and lose it all in a week. Boy are you dreaming. It doesn't work that way.
Modern medicine hasn't yet invented the fat pill, although I read every advertisement on miracle fat-loss drugs I can find.
And those fantastic celebrity diets.
How does losing five pounds qualify someone as an expert on fat removal? Five pounds I can lose. Impress me; lose one-fifty and I will follow your suck-a-raw-egg-through-a-straw diet anytime. If I don't smell food for five minutes, that's good for at least a five pound weight loss.
The main thing people don't understand is that the enemy is within. Okay, you diet on, say, the miraculous cabbage soup diet everyone is talking about.
Oh yes, been there, done that.
Sure, I weigh four hundred pounds and for a few weeks the pounds melt like an iceberg headed south. Then the stupid body can't handle success, so it shuts down the weight loss. Weeks go by and you haven't lost a pound. Let me tell you that diet falls by the wayside quick.
There isn't a person alive who can handle that much cabbage without some severe restroom problems...

The doctors are little or no help whatsoever. One tells you to eat a fat-free diet and all the other stuff is fine.
I tried this and gained twenty pounds on Bryers Fat-Free chocolate. The next doctor said this was the wrong approach.
Yeah right, like I didn't figure that out.
So, this one tells me to skip sugars and starches while eating plenty of meat and vegetables. I gained twenty more pounds from a side of beef and developed a cholesterol problem.

It isn't entirely hopeless. I have discovered one of those wonder drugs that is supposed to make you skinny and handsome or kill you trying. I'm sure with all the press it receives you have heard of it.

I can just hear all you skinny people out there now, talking about us fat people like you always do, and wondering why we take a drug that could possibly kill us.
Hey stupid, it's because you skinny twirps talk about us behind our backs all the time. Shutup pencil-butt!

First, let's get something straight, fat people don't want to be fat. We spend a bigger portion of our life on diets and probably eat less than any of you skinny people ever thought of, but we're still fat. I have personally lost three full-grown men and a midget in the last fifteen years and I am still over the limit for most highways.

There I go making jokes; that's the way we handle being fat most of the time. You know,"Hey, look at that guy, I bet it takes him two trips to haul butt." Or,"She's so big she can use her dress for a tent".
My personal favorite reply is,"I can lose weight but you're always going to be ugly."

The worst thing is going to a buffet because people watch to see if you break the bank. Once, a twirp cleaning around the buffet table looked up and said,"Damn man, you're big."
I dropped my plate on the floor and said, "Yeah and a bit clumsy as well. Sorry to make that mess for you to clean up."

This is normal for a lot of people. It seems people need to inform you of your size, just in case you haven't noticed. They'll walk up and say,"Boy you're a bigun."
Yes and you have ears the size of Dumbo but aren't you so lucky to have a nose your children can use as a slide? Oh, are those acne scars, or did a tribe of pygmies use your face for target practice?
You also give your children a complex. They are scared as hell that they will become you. My fortunate daughter took after her mother and weighs a pathetic one twenty, yet she watches the scales as if they will betray her at any moment. She weighs on every scale she comes to just in case the last one has malfunctioned and allowed her to gain fifty pounds unnoticed.
I worry about her health because she is so small to be obsessed with weight loss. I think all those young girls with anorexia must have fat dads at home. They have the perfect diet drug, the sight of Dad with a turkey leg in each hand with gravy dripping from his face while spread across two chairs.
Parents are the reason we are fat. Mom, send that last biscuit to those starving people in China but don't harass that poor child into trying to gain the weight for them. It just won't work. God knows I have tried, but the Chinese are still little and I'm still the size of a barn. Not only that, but now these people I tried to help take one look at me and say,"Ah luock at you, you is bigun!"
Yeah, and you are short, yellow and wear pigtails, not to mention the very reason I'm fat. Next time stop by my mothers house and eat your own fatback and biscuits.

I have decided to dedicate my life to a cure for obesity. I have tried and failed at many experiments already, such as a picture of Roseanne on my fridge. This worked really well for a while. Then the hungrier I got the better Roseanne looked. I decided no diet was worth that kind of hallucination.
I decided on another approach that went really well for a day or so but not the way I planned it. I got a picture of one of those half-naked body builders and put it on the fridge for inspiration.
Well my wife took up residence in a chair blocking the fridge and I lost ten pounds because she quit cooking to stare at the muscle bound hunk. This was good for a ten pound weight loss until I got depressed watching the wife watch the hunk and gained twenty pounds down at Mammys All You Can Eat Buffet.

I am not a quitter and will continue to pop the diet pills until my desired weight of two hundred pounds has been reached.
The fact that I weighed two hundred at birth has never once stopped me from desiring this ideal weight. I have so far lost sixty pounds.
Yeah, okay, let's hear a big "ata boy".
This means I have lost two whole pants sizes. The really good news is that it has been so long since I have lost two pants sizes that those bell bottoms I have stored away may be coming back into fashion soon.