Soothsayer

Eventually, we have to start believing our own bullshit if we are going to survive in the world. The soul that’s constantly wracked by self doubt will slowly fall behind and lose its place in the fray. Can’t just stand there gagging on everything coming out of our mouths, gaging each statement for veracity, tenacity, and moral turpitude, or we will spin down into a standstill, paralyzed, paranoid, and lethargic, never really sure that what we think and know is correct enough to join the conversation.

I don’t mean the big picture truths, the major moral questions of our society. I mean the assumptions we have about ourselves, our lives, the things we learn and the truths we deduce and synthesize from smaller fragments; the stuff we talk about over coffee, the bits of chatter in the cubicles, the water cooler talk. We make jokes about know-it-alls, but to some extent, they have it right — they’re sure of things and are unconcerned with being wrong, and when they are corrected, they either learn or they double-down. The happy medium is always somewhere in the middle.

I write this more to myself than to you, but if I can say it with enough conviction, if I can believe it, then maybe you can believe it, too.

Earthbound and Down

Perhaps the most sobering thought is that, after a lifetime of dreaming, I’m still going to die on this planet. That after thinking about galaxies, looking up at the stars, writing about extra-planetary travel, reading books and listening to programs about life out there, and trying to raise myself above whatever provincial concerns that surround me in my own life (wherever I happen to be), that at the end of it all, it is on Terra Prime, a small blue planet orbiting Sol on the mid-western arm of the Milky Way, is where I will spend my last breath.

Somewhere in this black thought is a faint blue line of hope in the spectrograph, but I can barely see it.

Eighteen

At 18 years old, my domain is now old enough to vote. Watch out, all you zombies!

$ whois phaysis.com
Domain Name: PHAYSIS.COM
Creation Date: 2000-04-14T14:49:59Z
Updated Date: 2018-03-06T03:32:22Z
Registry Expiry Date: 2019-04-14T14:49:59Z

It’s really a trip that I’ve held on to this domain for so long, but it’s become an extension of my voice as well as a weight on my shoulders. I carry it around like my backpack, loaded with memories and needs and supplies and useful things.

As I’ve probably said before, I got this domain on a whim as a place to try my hand at this HTML/Javascript/CSS/Perl thing, as a playground for writing and art. Once I moved to Austin, a scant few months after I founded the site, it was useful as way to keep my friends back home informed on my life. 18 years hence, we’ve largely parted ways, and my artistic and writing output has waned, but the site remains. I remain.

Thank you for continuing to check in.

Dit-Dah

I’ve decided that I need to take my radio hobby to a new direction. I have difficulty getting out of the region with my radio and antennas with only voice communications. I haven’t gotten into the digital modes because, honestly, I don’t have a decent laptop to do it. Everything I have is kind of a hack.

If I want to log any sort of long distance (DX) contacts, I’m gonna have to use something that’s not voice. I’m jealous of the stations that talk about logging contacts from South America, Europe, Africa, places all over the world, on 10 Watts or less. I’m over here going “how the hell did they do that? I’m using 100 Watts!” The answer is Morse Code. Once you learn it, it’s fairly easy to make contacts that are readable — the code key turns the radio transmitter on when you key down, so either the radio signal is there, or it isn’t. It’s the most efficient use to radio energy ever.

In that light, what I’m proposing to do is dedicate the month of April 2018 to learning Morse Code. All 26 letters, all 10 numbers, all important punctuation. I want to be able to hear and key the code proficiently by month’s end.

I have a few apps, among them is one called Morse Machine. It’s pretty decent, and it allows me to learn code using the Koch method, which is recommended (it plays symbols at their normal speed with extra space between so I have time to recognize the sound and type the symbol). Once I can demonstrate a high enough proficiency with a few symbols, it unlocks the next group.

My plan is to do this for at least 15 minutes a day, every day. I already got far enough along, but since it’s been a few months since I last tried practicing, I’ve forgotten it all. So this time around, I’m going to clear my training scores and start from scratch. It’s really the only way.

I hope I can get up to at least 10 WPM by month’s end, at least for being able to hear code. I have a practice code key at home with an oscillator so I can pound it out without going over the air. But really, the best practice is to just Get On The Air. But first I need to learn the language.

Wish me luck.

Fourty-Six and Two

Started my birthday on a conference call, waiting to unplug a rack of servers and move them to another corner of town. Four hours later, the project was a success. Wrapped up the event by driving a pair of customers to their hotel, dropping off a coworker at the office, and heading home to consume the last inch of my bottle of vodka.

Four hours later, I woke up again. Circadian rhythm can’t be beat. Made breakfast, cleared the cobwebs, put on some Tool, Sepultura, King’s X, whatever. Far cry from the electronica of late. Shaved, showered, found clean clothes. Went out.

10-meter Net went up at 3; band was noisy due to contesting. Station in central America was sitting on the net’s usual frequency, so there was a lot of interference. Still managed to log 10 stations in the Austin area, which is usual. Not bad.

Spent some time up on the parking garage to try out the 2-meter flexible J-Pole antenna I built Friday night. The damn thing works well. With my handie-talkie I was able to reach a repeater in Georgetown (30 miles north) on 7 Watts. Scratchy, but readable. That’s a massive success. Punched in my new amplifier and was Full Quieting. This makes me happy.

Reached a repeater in Marble Falls / Dripping Springs to the southwest with the amp and J-pole. Either nobody was on frequency or I was too noisy to read, so no signal report. Anyway, the repeater itself responded with its station ID and squelch tail, so I know I got in.

Bummed around, took myself out to Ramen Tatsu-Ya for a solo meal. Terrible line and noisy joint with zero personal space. Food was good, but everything around it was not what I needed that day. My birthdays are usually spent alone; space and solitude are the best gift. I blame the over-the-top birthday parties of my childhood. Now I’d rather just be left alone. For once, Austin denies solitude when I actually want it.

However, my buddy Doug did take me up the street to Workhorse for a beer, gratis. We had a decent time hanging with other Epochians on the back patio. I spied a lady sitting along the wall alone with a book, something from Vonnegut. I thought I was the only one who read in bars; glad to know there’s still others.

Got home tired and bleary-eyed. Lack of sleep keeps me mute sometimes (today especially so). Otherwise, it was an OK day. 46 is going to be more fresh Hell. Here’s hoping it’s not that terrible.