For those following along at home, yes, I was out of town for 2 weeks. I burned 2 of my 5 weeks of vacation time in Texarkana, certainly not having a vacation. My mother had lung surgery, and she needed my and my sister’s help to get through it.
If you smoke, quit now while you’re ahead. Stop. Fuck you, stop. Just stop.
I have a lot of heavy emotions and thoughts about all this. I’m glad I was there to help, and glad that I’m finally in a position where I can help. But outside of that, it was all labor. It was all work. It was all duty. I’m duty-bound to help, and nothing I want or feel supersedes that. I have to help, no matter how stretched and exhausted I am.
And I didn’t reach out to any of my old Texarkana friends for reasons. I half apologize for that, but otherwise zero chill. I kept close to my family and chores for 2 weeks because that’s all the time I had.
I returned to Austin last weekend, and work this week has been unrelenting, with all the breakfix and catching up. None of the past month has been enjoyable. And none of the past week has been fulfilling. My own life is suspended. I’m questioning why the fuck I do all this. And then I look at my mother’s case and realize that if not for my employ at a multinational corporation, I would not be able to take care of her.
This is where I’m at.
When does the joy come back?