Dec 29 2009

All I Got for Xmas

So the holidays were crappy. That’s par for the course. I hate the holidays, but I try to power through them the best I can. At least I’m getting paid holiday pay this time around; thank the stars for not being a contractor anymore. Still, this xmas sucked ass because the only thing I got in my stocking was a head cold. I would’ve settled for a lump of coal instead.

No idea where the germs came from; most likely the coffeeshop I hang out at with all its weirdos and sickos shaking hands and whatnot. But I think what precipitated the collapse of my immunity against it was my mother’s visit for the holiday. See, she brought her two dogs, which I don’t mind as long as I take an allergy pill. But she smokes like a train, and apparently I lack the backbone to tell my own mother that she can’t smoke in my apartment. Others have smoked in here, but it was one smoke here or there; not an entire pack of really, really cheap tobacco. So after a day of exposure, I woke up xmas morning with a heavy knot of crud at the back of my throat. Happy effing holidays.

Two days and two rolls of tissue later, the fever broke and I was able to breathe through my nose again. Finally. I’ve got to take control of my passive-aggressive ways before they ruin my life further. It’s my life, it’s my house, it’s my health.


Nov 4 2009

Dissed Connections

Me: sitting at Epoch trying to enjoy my cup of light roast.

You: rambling on about your stupid E-cigarettes to anybody and everybody you can. The way you rave about them leads me to believe one of two scenarios: 1) you are so hungry for someone to validate your lifestyle, or 2) you are on the e-cigarette vendor’s payroll. Sure, you’re not burning anything and stinking up the airspace, but it’s still an addiction.


Feb 18 2006

Destruction, Anniversary.

Three days ago, I had a dream where I was hanging out, drinking or whatever. Surrounded by friends. And I managed to smoke up an entire pack of cigarettes. With much aplomb. I felt guilt, regret. Then I woke up, took a breath. Realized that it was only a dream.

After all of this time, the craving is still there; the hunger for the smell; the feel of breathing through a column of burning tobacco; the clench of the lungs; the rush. The addiction. It wanes, it gets forgotten, but every so often it rears its head and smiles. This carries a special poignancy with me today because, offically, this is my second anniversary as a non-smoker. February 18th, 2004 is when I quit for good. Borrowing a turn of phrase from reformed alcoholics, I am two years old. I could say it’s my second life, but this life is exactly the same as the life I had before I started smoking at age 23.

Do I regret quitting? Yes, of course. It was my crutch, my fixation. The heady buzz smoothed away my anxiety. But I’m damned happy that I quit. I can breathe now. I can dream now. I’m able to see and feel the benefits of quitting. It’s the final end to one of my most despicable acts of self-destruction. May that part of me be forever destroyed.

Rest In Peace, Shawn the Smoker. October 1995 – February 2004


Dec 20 2003

It’s not flu, but…

I am sick.

Friday morning, I woke up with the back of my throat swollen and puffy. I swallowed as hard as I could, made the best of it, and went on about my day. It got better over time.

Fast forward to around 8 last night. After dealing with sneezes and super-dry nose all day (figuring it’s the dry, dusty weather), my nose starts running, my throat swells up again, and I feel ill. Dammit. So, I put on my shoes, went to HEB, and got a bunch of juices, chicken soups, and some cold/flu medication. Got home, made a bowl of soup (with much extra minced garlic), took a vitamin, took the cold med, and waited for sleep.

This morning, I was still no better. It was as if I had done nothing at all. Damn. So I went to the doctor. He said I had sinusitis, and gave me a scrip for some serious drugs. One I’m supposed to take 2 pills twice a day for 2 days, then 1 pill twice a day until the bottle’s empty (these things are horse-pills!). This is my antibiotic. The other is a steroid with a really wierd dosing schedule: first day, 6 pills at scheduled times, the second day is five pills, third day is four, and so on until my last day of 1 pill. And I’m supposed to take these with food. Yum.

Someone just shoot me. :ugh:

So, if you don’t see me hanging out on my weekend, please understand. I either 1) don’t feel well, or 2) don’t want to infect anyone else with this. This sucks. So, yeah, please understand.

As a forewarning, tho, I am travelling to Texarkana for my xmas holiday trip this wednesday. I will work half a day and leave that afternoon. I have scheduled the friday after xmas off so that I can have a nice 4-day trip. I will be leaving for Austin on sunday.

You have been forewarned. That is all.


Sep 1 2003

Ketchup.

Hey friends. A new entry.

friend: /frend’/ n. 1. a close acquaintance 2. one who has been befriended 3. one who reads Shawn’s journal even though there’s been no journal updates in over two weeks. “Hey friends. A new entry.”

As many of you know, I have fallen off of the wagon and back into the tobacco fields. This doesn’t surprise me, just depresses me. I realize now that I can’t hate the devil and still dance with him. Just doesn’t work like that. :sighs: The next time I quit, I intend to not have a cigarette, period. The crazy, intense dreams are gone. The hacking is back. The urge to be productive, waned. From this three-day-weekend’s round of smoking my throat is now puffy and tender. Perfect. I set myself up for an upper-respiratory thing; feelin’ it, too.

My health concerns aside, I called my family yesterday and got some disturbing news. My mother twisted her upper back pretty severe while at work about a month ago. If not for the cooler in front of her, she would’ve hit the floor. Some preliminary x-rays didn’t reveal any broken backbones, which is a relief. But there still exists the chance that a disc is blown. From what she said, it sounded like a loud pop; even some of her customers heard it. Geez. She’s been scheduled for an MRI later this month. I hope it reveals something repairable.

I also found out she lost her job. Some political b.s. involving a crooked coworker saying something to the owner. I dunno, but that whole bar was crooked. So much for that.

Called my sister, too. She and her family are doing well. Found out she’s been diagnosed with type-2 diabetes. It’s inherited from her father’s side. So she has to count sugar and sodium grams in her diet, measure her blood sugar twice a day, and take an insulin pill once a day. She has also quit smoking, and is sticking with it. I’m proud of her. She says her feet are no longer swollen; the fact that her doctors went overlooking this for so long astounds me — it’s one of the early, major signs of diabetes. Damned fools. But now that she’s watching her diet and taking better care of herself she’s losing weight and, as she says, she’s feeling better than she has in years.

As far as I’m doing, since I started smoking again (now almost back to a pack a day), I’ve been feeling rather cruddy. Especially now. Tsk tsk. (You can save your browbeating comments — I’ve enough of my own.) Stomach’s not as upsettable as it was, though. Thinking watching my own diet (sort of) is contributing to that. Dunno. It still tweaks every now and again, like it did about an hour ago at Mojo’s. Something about sitting for hours at my laptop while sucking on iced tea, peppermints, smoking, and generally not moving can kinda contribute to built-up internal pressure or something. Once I packed up, got up, and moved around by driving home I felt better.

This weekend, though, has allowed me to render several new chunks of code towards my website engine. I’m playing with a thing wherein disparate subobjects in my engine can communicate with one another and run each other’s methods transparently. What this means is that the master object in the engine, called “Kernel”, creates each subobject; when each subobject is created, it “registers” its methods and accessible data with the Kernel, and registers any messages it’ll “listen” to. Later on, during execution, objects can simply ask the Kernel to do something for them, and the Kernel looks up the task, calls the proper subobject to perform it, and then sends the results back to the original subobject that made the request.

Something like this is a huge improvement in the way I’ve been doing things in the engine thus far. By allowing this “proxy” subsystem to exist and by rewriting the current modules so that they use it, I can almost completely unlink the modules from each other; they’re no longer bound to each other, and they don’t have to know every single bit of information necessary about each other to make those calls. In the programming world, this is called “loose coupling.” If they want something, they call someone who knows where it is. Now, if I make a drastic change in how one module interacts with something from the rest of the system, everyone else is shielded from those changes; editing one part should not mean you have to edit everything else.

Pardon the geekout, but this is very exciting to me, and the fact that I was able to hammer out the guts of this in a few nights’ free time makes me feel excellently successful about it.

I think I’ll head over to some bookstore or something and pick up a ton of crossword books for my mother. She needs something to do while she’s laid-up on her back. I’m planning on sending her a care package with some books, a card, and some money to help her out. She’s in financial straits now, and if I was in her shoes, she’d do the same. She has for years, and now it’s my turn to help.