Tag Archives: relationship

Long Play

Relationship movies as romantic placebo? Yeah, I do that.

Last night? “Chasing Amy”. After knowing the community more during the 14 years since seeing it, it finally made some sense. Tonight? “Before Sunset” (as referenced earlier); second viewing, first since reviewing “Before Sunrise”. It’s better the second time. Also, “Lost In Translation”, because it’s difficult.

Actually, all three movies are difficult, presenting the difficulty in relationships, showing the different colors. Lacking any actual relationships, I get what I can wherever it is. Relationships are difficult, notoriously. Movies less so; more easily consumed. Both leave a complex taste, but a movie must be replayed. Each day in a real relationship leaves different notes, and is fresh or sour depending on how it’s drunk. I have no drinking buddies, so, movies as placebo.

Time and Distance

I am not in the habit of discussing matters of the heart publicly, but if you’re wondering what I’ve been up to the past few months….

I’m coming out of this Thing I had with someone. It was never really defined, so Thing is what we’ll call it. By the strictest definition, yeah, it was a relationship, but it is what it was: enigmatic on the best of days.

She and I had a hard time throughout most of it; the open questions, the crossfire of intents. The pattern, as it played out, was “start, stop, start, crash, kinda start, kinda fizzle.” Although we’d been friends for years before we made a go at it, it just did not work out for reasons I’ll not describe in public.

I’m a little numb from the experience, and dumb on where to go from here. Relationships, good or bad, are disruptive to the status quo. Habits change, plans get pushed out, internal desires get sidetracked at the first glimpse of no longer going it alone. Now on the other side of it, it’s just me, sorting the pieces and remembering where I left off.

I will say, emphatically, that she still has my adoration, respect and friendship. Always will. She is a strong and dignified human being. I can only hope the feeling is mutual. Maybe time apart will help us to sort out our feelings and let us restore our friendship to something resembling what it was.

Failed Bridges Rest Comfortably Under Water

Why do I settle for failure? Why does anybody settle for failure? Putting up with failure for so long. Why do it? Powerlessness? Tolerance for bullshit? Passive aggression? Hoping it’ll get better while investing nothing in it. Things fail, and we just go along with it. No fight left. No strength. It’s not patience, it’s just muffled intolerance.

I just…settle…for less than the best.

Is this a function of turning the corner into middle age? What’s with the fear of rising up to Change Things? Fear of failure is inviting failure. I want to keep going along with the shitty things in my life, and that is most troubling to me. It hurts to make change; it costs a lot of effort. I know the rewards are worth more than the investment. I know all this shit. So why remain? Why persist?