Yep. The wagon has left me behind.
My will to quit has left me. Between last week and now I’ve polished off almost 2 packs of cigarettes. Not smoking as much as I used to, but I see myself ramping back up to near my old levels. I’m not too particularly impressed with myself, and so are other people. To anyone I’ve let down, I’m sorry.
I was doing good for a while there; actually impressed myself that I could do it. But this week has been stressful at work, things are going nowhere, I’m working hard, playing little, etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda [insert additional justification here]. I reached a point where my volition, my determination to quit, to live a different and better lifestyle just waned away, disappeared. Got tired of having no self-destructive outlet, no personal consolation.
If I want to quit and stay quit, I need to resolve these problems. For good, for once and for all. For myself.
Next time I make the renewed resolve to quit, I’ll be more quiet about it. My habit started quietly, and it should go out that way. I believe I erred by making a big noise about quitting, telling everyone I know, everyone I work with, everyone I hang out with, that I’m a quitter. Had to alienate myself from my friends to avoid temptation, and now there’s little to no support group. If I did it quietly, it’d be my little secret, and there’s a little bit of conspiracy in that which’ll keep me going for a short while until the next reason appears to stay quit.
I’m just glad I got to prove to myself that I could live without tobacco and nicotine for an extended period of time. I won’t die, I won’t lose my marbles. And I can do it again, renewed, if I could just find a way to release my internal agressions. Grr.
I guess if I had a sledgehammer at work I could take it out on some old pallets out back. I hear they’ve been saying some really nasty things about me.