(Phaysis)

So yeah, I’m sick. Thanks.

My year, 2007, was punctuated by eleven days off; holiday work closure encompassing seven working days and two weekends. I planned to use this time for loafing, for projects, for doing what the hell pops into my mind; then my mother called to tell me she was coming down for a visit, to which I agreed. It was nice having family come visit me for a holiday for once; enough of going to visit them every year. I love that woman to death – I mean, c’mon, she’s my mom. But I don’t know how to tell her to not stay so long. Seven days. I asked around trying to divine what kind of protocol there is for telling family that they are welcome but only for a certain time. The answer comes back, resoundingly, that nobody knows how to do it. There is no protocol.

She says she’s a homebody; she’ll be fine just sitting and watching TV and that I can go out and do whatever. I can come and go as I please because it’s my house. I say bullshit to that. If I were to have done just that, I would’ve heard no end of it. “I come to visit, and you hang out elsewhere.” It won’t work. When I have a guest, my sole duty is to entertain the guest. I’m always on set. Little down time. People don’t understand that about me. If you’re in my house, I am your host. What I have going on has to be suspended. Maybe that’s an immature way to look at it. Maybe I’m taking the role of servitude. I don’t know. But that’s how it happens.

I learned an apt phrase a decade ago. “The hardest thing for a man to do is to disguise his feelings as he puts a load of relatives on the train for home.”

So she left friday morning, travelled safely, and got back home. I rested. That evening, I sat at Epoch and had coffee. Tried to get some work done; tried to pick back up where I had left off a week prior, and had no luck. I couldn’t think clearly, got a little angsty. I left there around 10 and started driving because I clearly didn’t want to be in the four walls of my own apartment. I drove around town, ended up on Highway 290W, and drove out to Oak Hill. I kept driving.

Seventy minutes later I was in Fredericksburg, Texas. I had no suitcase, no toiletries, no change of clothes, but I rented a room and spent the night. It was really nice to get away. To punctuate the stressful week with my own diversion. Complete seat-of-the-pants. I didn’t care. That’s the kind of shit I wanted to do the entire break; completely live without schedule, without demands, and finally I was able to do it, but damn did I do it big.

I got up that morning and did the tourist thing. The downtown area was kinda neat, but in a 1960′s crafts fair kind of way. Tons of middle-class white people dropping money everywhere. I had a nice wurst sandwich, got a taste of the local German culture, walked around and took pictures. Sort of went around as a floating eye and soaked it in. I left after it all got too white and made it back to Austin at 3pm.

Spent the remaining days of 2007 just doing what felt right. Completely relaxed, turned off to necessity. Tried to regain myself and my own initiative. Took a right turn on my main website project and decided to backtrack and retool, but it’s still not so successful.

I should learn by now that I can’t get any work done at Epoch. It’s fucking impossible. I can sit down, open the laptop, and hunker down for work. And then someone will stop by the table, say hi. Someone will walk by and decide to chat, or join me. And out the door goes my attention. Programming is a tough task; takes focus. And there is no focus when someone visits; it’s broken and not so easily retrieved.

So last night, I got called out to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s place. I obliged. Took the remains of my rum bottle, a bottle of cola, and headed out the door. Had a great time at the party. It was quiet, mild. We had a ton of fireworks but because of the red flag warning we chose to stick to firecrackers and roman candles. Well, the roman candles were a bad, very bad idea. It took two stray flaming balls to prove to us what a tinderbox the tall grass next to the road actually was. No sooner did the balls land in the grass and start going out, the grass burst into flames. We were sober enough, luckily, to stomp it out and decide to not do roman candles again.

I didn’t get drunk; didn’t even get buzzed, but I got relaxed. That’s what counts, really. About 4 shots of rum, a lot of water, and a glass of champaign and I was still sober. Went to bed around 3. An alright night indeed.

But this morning; fucking hell. Now I’m reminded why I shouldn’t drink. The alcohol was just enough to kill off all the germs that were keeping the bad germs at bay. When I woke up, my throat was on fire. I’m all scratchy, phlegmatic, and getting stopped up in the head. Fucking hell. An ok end to the year leads me into the lair of the illness dragon to start the new year off in the worst of ways. And now I have to go back to work tomorrow morning. Damn.

Happy effing new year, dammit.

Back in November, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend MaRanda. She had decided on moving to Los Angeles from North Carolina, and had requested to stay with me in Austin for a few days on her drive across the country. With having not seen her since 1998, I jumped on the opportunity and opened my door for her eventual trip two months later.

Her visit this week was nothing short of incredible. She arrived late Tuesday night after eleven hours on the road and was ready for a drink, a laugh, and some rest. Wednesday, we went around town; I tried to show her stuff that was “uniquely Austin”, and mostly succeeded. Had breakfast at Starseeds. Gave her a tour of my workplace (I luckily had enough time to request the day off). Drove her down 2222 and down 360. Showed her the dotcom where I used to work. Gave her a brief overview of Zilker, Restaurant Row, Lamar through Pease Park, and across to Tazza Fresca where she went nutso for the Groovy Lube sign. Heh. She got to meet several of my longtime friends and felt right at home.

She decided to extend her stay another day. So on Thursday we had brunch at Magnolia Cafe, went to the boat ramp at the end of Lake Austin Blvd., took pictures. Went to the Capitol Building (she did visit the state’s capitol, after all). Got pictures of her doing obscene gestures in the Senate and Representatives chambers. Then we went to Spiderhouse and hung out enjoying the vibe. She met more friends.

It took every ounce of her will to stay to her plan of driving the rest of the way to L.A. She has obligations. She has people waiting on her. But I told her, everyone told her, that if the L.A. experience should be a failure, then she has safe haven here. It was nice to have her around, and it would be nice if she stayed, but I would never wish for her to betray her plans.

In seeing her again, in speaking face to face, I remembered what it was that attracted me to her back in ’97. Even after these years part of that is still there. It’s that we work out well. We fit. There is chemistry, history. I feel comfortable around her to an extent greater than usual around others. That counts for a lot.

Her visit was great. We had fun; reconnected. I’m still trying to digest and remember all that we did and said. It was a heady two and a half days; we went nonstop, and slept little. No time for sleeping in. And we barely scratched the surface of what it’s like here, how well we’d fit as roomates or neighbors. Trying to cram years of this-is-who-I-am into 58 hours. A Sisyphean task. A bittersweet time; fun with the knowledge of the end. I guess that’s what made the visit more heady.

A little is not enough.

I hope things work out well for her in L.A. I do. Sure, I’ll miss her, but I hope for the best for her, for me.

(written on Wednesday, 11/23/2005 10:33:39 PM)

Whirlwind. Past 24 hours. Past week. It’s Thanksgiving holiday, my first trip home since Easter, and I’ve been going and going. Since my convalescence this past weekend, I’ve been running on some kind of edge. I’ve noticed it. Alertness. Awakeness, even in the lack of sleep. It’s all the preparations for the trip. The getting the car ready, the packing, the attention to making things happen. In the course of 2 days I hacked up a script to log what it reads from a borrowed GPS receiver. The logs from my drives are beautiful. Pages of useful data of just me…driving to Texarkana last night and, today, Ouachita.

Yeah, I went. Since I was in the neighborhood, loosely speaking, I took the hour-long trip up to Arkadelphia to see my alma mater. This December will mark my ten years since I was a student there; December 14, 1995 was my last day of enrollment. And though I’ve been back to OBU two or three times since in 1996 and 1999, this time around had an extra impact, a certain amount of poignance. It’s weird. It’s good to see the places I still sometimes happily, sometimes ashamedly, sometimes frightfully dream about and remember. And it’s creepy to see the changes, to see which buildings are torn down, which are brand new, and which are still around in all their mid-90′s glory. I’ve been away from OBU for long enough that the act of looking at the campus inspired few heavy emotional responses, and the memories that arrived on first trigger were cold, matter-of-fact memories; place names, hidden areas, geographic layout, things no longer there. But the fallout, the memories that return to me after I saw those places, those memories are at once both warm like fire and cold like an Arkadelphia winter, and they’ve sparked tonight’s firestorm of emotions.

It’s a mouthful, and I’m still trying to ruminate and digest today’s trip.

I shot around 2 1/2 rolls of film, just buildings, spaces, surroundings. No people. The fact that the campus was quiet, that school was out the day before the holiday (I had thought they’d be open), made things empty and solitary, but after my 4 summers spent on campus, the experience of the silent emptiness there wasn’t so alien to me. I did drive up there hoping to visit with old staff and faculty still there and to do some business with my school records, which didn’t happen, but just the experience of being back was enough to justify everything.

In some sense it was the Ouachita that I remembered, and in another sense it was like I was a floating intruder surveying a foreign place, an interloper in a forbidden zone checking up on its changed, hidden secrets. If there had been students there today, if there had been faculty and staff, it would have felt like being a welcomed stranger, like how I feel when I’m walking around Renfest on a late Sunday afternoon near sunset: everything is quieting down, everyone is folding up, the parking lot is decompressing, and I’m walking around between the booths where my few Rennie friends do their business. Yeah, just like that.

But today everything was just empty. The only human noise was from the construction crews, the few stragglers walking around campus, the campus security truck tooling around, and the ever-present Arkadelphia autumn breeze knocking around the leaves. I took the occasion to walk down the hillside beneath the student center to the Ouachita River, to the river bottoms where I spent so much of my time. They’d done some work there, made a walking trail, built steps and platforms down the hillside, thinned out a lot of the trees to open up the space to the campus uphill. The pavillion is still there, and so is the picnic table where my first girlfriend and I ground into each other in the heat of early summer. The odor, the smell down there on the river bottoms, the damp soil, the volumes of still water, the smell of river rot…that smell became my friend, my elixir, my aphrodisiac. I smell it and I am at peace. And today I took it in by the lungfulls. It’s still in my soul. THAT is the Ouachita that I miss.

The people I knew there were good people; not to gloss over everything with a rose-colored sheen, but they were my friends. They were the fire that kept me warm, the spark that burned new experiences into my memories. They were there with me…ten years ago. Not today. I think that was part of what is so surreal about today’s visit, and so saddening and angering. We’ve moved on, they’ve moved on; there were no familiar faces there today to share in today’s experience. I think that’s the hardest part.

It’s heavy, these floods, these torrents of memories and emotions that’re filling my head right now. Just looking around and seeing everything has brought them forward after so many years of not being triggered. There are the big picture memories that’ve always been there, but today brought back the tiny memories, the things that’ve been taken for granted, the decorations on someone’s house on the edge of campus, the fact that the ground near the theater is covered not with grass but with clover, the angled plaques mounted on a courtyard…those memories have come back.

The side trip to Lake DeGray, where I loved going, didn’t help much with the flooding. Went to the Highway 7 beach because it was the closest of the places I used to haunt, and it had the expected late-November empty beach hauntedness. The breeze was a wind over the lake, chopping up little waves in my direction as I stood on the point looking over the lake at the waning sunset. The parking lot was empty. The water was low. And everything had a heavy, heavy poetic air. This is the sunset. I cannot go back. No more dawns. The music playing on my laptop’s jukebox affirmed it, hammered it home:

“The paths that I once tred
Have all but gone
Only embers now smoulder
Where bridges once burned
I feel alive and yet I fear
What may happen now
I know,
I can’t return
…
Can I start again?
Erase this pain
By casting doubts into the waters
Asking judgment of the sea
Though Fortune may guide the fools
I have no wish to be free
Until I am gone.”

-VNV Nation “Distant (Rubicon II)”

In the past week I’ve been ill, I’ve been hyper, I’ve been clicking through the to-do list, I’ve been awake. I even finally and officially met this girl I’ve been exchanging glances with at Mojo’s for the past 3 months. And I’ve been driving, enjoyably and alertly driving. Sightseeing. And now I’m feeling, feeling things I can’t explain without metaphors; I know the words, but I can’t put them together, can’t craft what is necessary to communicate these things. That is my state. I’m still digesting.

So, it’s been 3 weeks or so since last entry. All’s been quiet on the web front, but stormy and busy in the real life. So, in lieu of going into details and flooding you fine folks with the useless minutia of my daily ongoings, I’ll sprinkle you with a general survey of this time period.

Tooth thing, done:

Ok. On the, um, 15th of the month, I got my root canal finished. They filled the roots, mounted the new permanent ceramic cap, and made sure everything fit perfectly. After the swelling and tenderness died down two days later, I was revelling in the ability to eat with both sides of my mouth. Things were back to normal.

Now, a SXSW Diversion:

Some time ago, my friend Sean messaged me to advise me about a band who was coming to this year’s South By SouthWest music festival. The band is Pilotdrift. He said what’s unique about them is that they are from, of all places, Texarkana. Yeah, that’s correct. I checked out their sample song on the SXSW site and was thoroughly intrigued. So Thursday, the 17th, I made the drive downtown to see them play. I was impressed that 6 guys from T-town can create, and get exposure, with a sound that’s reminiscent of Radiohead, Pink Floyd, and “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” So incredibly bizarre. They handed out free CDs after the show and I had a quick chat with some of the members, all from my home town. Kinda cool.

Before Pilotdrift’s set, I had the pleasure of listening to a band from Albuquerque, NM called The Oktober People. Wow, these guys are good. Melodic rock, like Godspeed You Black Emperor meets Catherine Wheel. Solid, dreamy landscape of well-effected guitars; lyrics that sway between dreams, dark interpersonal rifts, regrets for dead loved ones, and anger with current politics. They gave away a boxfull of CDs as well.

The next night I took the opportunity to go see local underground favorites Zykos play at the old Ritz theater on 6th Street. I got in after a song or two, but watched the rest of the set. Managed to end up standing right at the edge of the stage before show’s end. They put on powerful, energetic set. Their sound is pure indie rock; as emo as I’ll allow myself. It’s Emo for those who hate Emo. I just love their sound and their vibe.

I managed to take my camera in to all these shows. I have the pictures processed, I just have to post them some time. But, overall, I think my first foray into doing anything related to SXSW went rather well. And no wristband was needed. Heh.

Wait, more dental drama:

The next tuesday, a week later, I was due for a general dental checkup. Well, the dentist was sick, so it was postponed a week later, the 29th. That would soon change on Wednesday the 23rd during breakfast when the bottom right wisdom tooth, the one immediately underneath my new ceramic cap decided to fracture and split into little chunks. My appetite disappeared quickly.

I called the dentist to see if I could have the appointment moved up; they agreed and found a time for me on the following day, Thursday. Given that I was leaving town for Texarkana that night, I had no other choice; things had to get done. They took X-rays, probed around, stuck my gums and got a general plan of action regarding my teeth: a cleaning, 7 cavities filled, and removal of all four wisdom teeth. Yikes. And still no immediate help or advice on my broken and still fragmenting tooth.

The Easter diversion:

That night I drove to Texarkana to visit family and friends for the easter weekend. Now that I’m a (mostly) law-abiding citizen and I drive (just over) the speed limit, it takes me 6 1/2 hours to get home by the back highways. Sucks, but ah well. Didn’t make the drowsiness any easier. I swear, all day I was hyper, up, I had things clicking left and right, stuff got done, and I was totally with it. Yet, some time before I hit the road, the vigor just left. Just vanished. :sighs:

The weekend was pleasant for the most part. It was good to see everyone again. The allergy season is on in full effect there, and I tried my best to be prepared. But there’s little to prepare me for the fact that everyone has pets and almost everyone smokes. For the sake of breathing, I took every opportunity to step outside for some fresh air. I can take the pollen, but not the pet dander.

Friday, completely zonked from the energy expenditure and from the driving, I celebrated my 33rd29th birthday by sleeping-in on the mildly uncomfortable bed my neices let me use, then by treating myself to a solitary breakfast at IHOP and some journal time before I had to meet my family somewhere or something. It was the last mostly-sunny day all weekend. Meh.

Now that my brother-in-law is saved and is heavy into church, his and my sister’s family are also heavy into church. Even my mother is doing church things; she hasn’t done that, really, since a few years before I stopped going to Beech Street FBC. It’s just weird. The tables are completely reversed; now I am the atheist, now they are the christians. Most of the steps and behaviors and beliefs I see them doing I once did myself, and as a recovering christian I just want to wake them up to see things my way, do expose what it is I’m seeing in the mixture of politics, society, and behavior management that is Religion. But it’s wrong of me to do so; it’s wrong of me to break their worldview. Any attempt would destroy my relationship with them.

As it goes: “Whatever keeps them in the straight and narrow is good for the family.”

So most of the weekend I bit my tongue. Didn’t really communicate with the family as freely as I’d liked simply because they’re trying to raise a godly household. I love ‘em a lot, but the whole thing’s just weird. They tried to get me to go to church on easter sunday morning. I mutedly refused and slept in. The idea was to get pictures of the whole family at the altar or something. I was hoping they’d take them after service, so that’s when I went; stood outside until service was over, then went to find them. I wasted a trip.

The big family get-together at my uncle Ronnie’s and aunt Francis’ house was really nice. 3/4″ T-bone steaks for all. Still the cold and windy weather, so it could’ve been better. I was already packed up and ready to hit the road, so I left from there after hugging everyone g’bye.

Tooth, always with the teeth:

Now back to the broken tooth. Luckily there was no pain, but during the easter weekend, I was still spitting out a piece of tooth at least once a day. The last piece to come out came out sunday, so it appears that’s all for now. Thankfully. And still no pain. So I’m just biding time until the extractions.

So, monday, I get the cleaning done. The hygenist offers no advice either, and recommends I set an appointment to see the oral surgeon when he comes in on Wednesday (today). So I do, and I did.

Went in, discussed with the surgeon. He looked at my x-rays and agreed that all four wisdoms should come out. He sent the chart to the front for the clerks to calculate the price. $1180-ish. Fucking christ. After my insurance’s paltry $116 contribution, my bill comes to $1075 or so, and even though I’m on an ongoing payment plan, they’ll expect half of that amount as a down payment on the day of the procedure. What…the…hell? It appears that my extractions will have to wait.

My decision, in the meanwhile, is to probe elsewhere for alternatives. Tomorrow morning, I’ll attempt to call the UT Dental School in San Antonio (remember them?) to see about the price, the terms, and to set an appointment. My friend Sarah had two of her wisdoms pulled there for cheap, and they were so gentle she didn’t need the pain meds they gave her. She offered to drive for me should I need it and should she have that day off. So I’ll check that route. If it pans out, I’ll cancel my extraction appointment for next Wednesday with Castle Dental with a “thank you” and go back to them on the 10th for 4 fillings, then some time later for the other 3 fillings.

If things fall into place, I’ll be a new man with good (or well-repaired) teeth.

With Teeth:

Y’know, it all seems incredibly appropriate. Next month, April, will mark the release of the brand new Nine Inch Nails album “With Teeth”. How so very weird. And, wait — what’s that? It appears I have tickets to see NIN on May the 25th right here in Austin. God, it feels so nice. (No, they’re not for sale.)

So, I lied:

Ok, so I lied. I said I’d give a brief sprinkling, drizzling overview of what all has been happening in my web silence. I lied. Hope I didn’t lose anyone. So what do you folks make of all this? Any advice on my teeth situation? It just sucks that it all waited until now *boom* to demand attention. I’m just kinda drained mentally, physically, and financially, trying to be well. And it all sucks. Let me know by saying something. I’d like your feedback. Thanks!

Oh, speaking of emails, who are you, BarbaraJoeThomas? Why would I know you? How would you know me? Are you confusing me for someone in your family who is having interpersonal problems with you? Please give me more info before I decide to write back to you. Thanks.

THAT IS ALL.

As hoped, I made my return to Austin before midnight sunday night; it was 11pm exact when I cruised into my apartment’s lot. I made decent time on the drive: 6 hours, 24 minutes. In the past, that would have normally been six hours flat; now that I had a speeding ticket, I’m paying a little more attention to my speedometer. Ah well. My goal was to leave Texarkana before 5pm, and given the early start in the morning, I was well on my way towards that.

I woke up around 9:30-ish thanks to the kids (which was fine). I spent some time with them and my sister, then gathered my things, put on some clothes (the shower could wait), and hugged everyone goodbye.

On my way to my mother’s apartment I pulled into a nearby parking lot to pull out the laptop, plug in the wireless card, and do some wardriving. No sooner did I set up the system, I got a strong hit from one of the businesses near that lot, so I pulled up to the building and did my business: checked the weather for the road, posted a journal update, and checked my bank balance. I then disconnected, put the car in gear, and drove away towards a nearby ATM to pull some gift money.

I continued to mother’s apartment to take her out for a meal and some face time. I had plenty of time to kill, so I asked her to bring out her Florida photos and I brought my ACLFest photos. It’s good to hang out with my mother, but she keeps thanking me for coming to pay a visit; I’m just stymied that she does that. She gets so few visitors, I think that’s why she does it. But we spent some time catching up; she told me all about her Red Cross volunteer trip down to Florida to help out after hurricane Ivan, and we talked about her current illness. She can’t work right now, hasn’t been able to work for 3 weeks, and I worry about her. My own mother can’t work, and I’m out buying laptop bags and car stereos; is it right or wrong that I’m feeling guilt? But I left her with a gift of the only way that I can help: cash. I can’t bring her food or drive her to the store; money is the only way I can help.

I hugged her goodbye around 4:00 and went to a nearby quickmart to fill up the tank, get some road snacks, and went next door to pick up some motor oil. I reached the edge of town around 4:30pm. The trip home was smooth sailing.

Today, I got up and was late to work as usual. I took a shower this morning, but by noon I felt like the shower was completely wasted and negated. I think it might be best to take a shower after work. I spent most of today at the saddle-stitch end of the collator, away from everyone, so I had my laptop out and in jukebox mode; played mostly a random playlist. Got both of the book jobs done in good time. Had enough time afterwards to go sit at the table and do a sitdown job, so I checked print. Didn’t get to chat much today to catch up on Things, but that’s fine. There’s tomorrow.

At day’s end I left and got some food. With my belly full, I felt fat and bloated (it doesn’t take much these days), so I went home where I fell into the trap of doing absolutely nothing at all but play solitaire and listen to depressing ambient music. Finally got my ass moving at 10:30pm, and now I’m drinking coffee late at night and filling the intarweb with more drivel.

I keep having ideas about my programming projects, and about my music, and about my other creative outlets. But I can’t do them. My projects have become a serious hassle to me, a burden. They’re all in a “started” or “underway” state, and not one of them is finished. The desire to finish them, the need to finish them, is great and heavy, but it’s in that crush that I just can’t finish. The whole programming thing, I’m completely fried out, and this burnout is coming much too often. I go away for half a week, and nothing has changed. The Fire is just not there. My muses have let me down.

So. I’m home, I’m here, and I’m back to more of the same. Welcome home.