Apr 14 2010

Phaysis.com: Celebrating a Decade of High Hopes

> whois phaysis.com

Whois Server Version 2.0

Domain Name: PHAYSIS.COM
Registrar: GODADDY.COM, INC.
Updated Date: 09-mar-2010
Creation Date: 14-apr-2000
Expiration Date: 14-apr-2011

Yeah, you read that right! Today, Phaysis.com (this very website, yo) is TEN YEARS OLD! Oh shit! That’s older than most websites I visit. If it were my kid, it’d be in fifth grade by now! What a mild ride this past decade has been! So much squandered potential, so many false starts, so many failed attempts, but my website still stands.

I started this site in April of 2000 as a way to learn web programming, to finally have a place on the web to call my own. Once I moved to Austin, it became a way to keep in touch with friends back home. Time and tide wears all shores, and Phaysis itself has changed, albeit slowly and almost imperceptably (and sometimes nonexistently). And now, it is the mostly-functioning site you see now. Hail Progress!

Today is an important milestone for my site, and I want to thank all of you for reading as often as you have and for coming back even after all my update neglect and my half-assed attempts at the Big Dreams. I still have dreams, and still have hope. You people are why I keep doing this. Thank you!

So here’s to ten more years!


Mar 25 2009

Surprise!

Two weeks ago, I slipped a disc in my back while I was seated. Been nursing it back to health and getting better. This morning, while getting ready for work, I pulled a muscle and slipped the disc again.

Worst birthday ever.


Apr 5 2007

On My Second Week As 35

Reflecting on my life and where it is now. Turned 35 a week ago; I’m almost at the statistical halfway point until death. Sometimes I feel halfway dead already, and that’s unsettling. Starting to see further signs of growing older.

As I sat down to write this entry, I cued up some music, logged in, and sat with a blank form; the words didn’t come, and the music was keeping them away. I’m now seeing what our parents went through, that mental focus gets harder and harder. I’ve said before that I can’t get any work done at a coffee shop unless I have relative isolation; the same is true when writing journals. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. I had to turn the music off so I could think. Nothing but the drone of my computers’ fans; no distracting sonic impulses, no melody to carry my thoughts off like so many children behind their pied piper. I don’t want to be this way, but it’s a progression that’s been occurring for a few years. I guess I’m finally starting to recognize it.

I had an old flame come into town for my birthday weekend; not that she came in specifically for that, but she was travelling and stopped over for a few days on a coincidence. It was a true pleasure to see and spend time with her.

I had settled it within myself that I would be over and done after pining for her, holding a candle for her, for many, many years. And yes, I was done, resolute to move on. She has her life, her love, her choice; though we had a brief, jubilant shout of greatness years ago (with a few echos), her life was her life, mine was mine, and that was that. I sighed as I watched her drive away out of my life for the third time, but after being on a high from the greatest birthday weekend ever, I didn’t mind so much. I felt 29 again. I could conquer the world. I could date around. I could move on.

The nirvana didn’t last long; I foresaw that the depressive crash to my intense manic phase was imminent, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy it happened. Midweek. She and I are on the phone; I’m keeping her company as she was driving through Mississippi on to her home. She said she missed me. There was something in her tone that made me doubt my own resolve to move on. It cracked my foundation.

By the weekend, she made it home at last and got settled in with her new life and new love, and I was here aching and debating with myself. I felt withdrawal; cold, lonely, hungry. I knew what a heroin addict feels when he needs a fix. It’s that hunger, the desire to feel warm, loved, whole again. It hurt. She had nothing to do with my state but to say she missed me; that pebble started the avalanche that revealed the mountain of physical, mental, and social loneliness and longing that’s been hidden underneath years of snowy denial and distractions.

Enough time has passed since this revelation; my neurochemicals are somewhat leveled again. Still a little pensive, but that’s my nature. I don’t feel so bad about the whole thing, but I’m still left with the knowledge that I need someone in my life. It’s a bad, vulnerable place to be, sexual politics being what they are. I guess my best move is to keep my guard up and try to be the awesome guy I know I can be. Beyond that, it’s anybody’s guess.


Mar 26 2006

Blowing Out the Candle

So it’s the end of my 34th birthday, and I’m reflecting on some pivotal moments. Today is my birthday. One week ago, my four-year anniversary at work, a rolling record for me. Three weeks ago I had a hot date. A month ago I marked the close of my second nonsmoking year. A week before that, an incredible visit from an old friend.

Biff. Bam. Boom.

I’m looking forward, and I think I’m nearing the end of my current spate of epochal events; little to look forward to except for my required trip home for easter. I might go to Burning Flipside during Memorial Day weekend in May; that’s pending the money status thing and how well I could be motivated to go by those in the know. “Epoch”, a new coffeeshop founded by some of the old guard at Mojo’s, is currently being remodeled and will open within a few months; it’ll be nice to have a 24-hour coffeeshop again in this snoozy town. The new Moroccan teahouse going in where Mojo’s used to exist will open at the end of this month – I’m just not sure if I’ll visit given what I know about the formation of the place.

Today, a friend of mine invited me over to his duplex for grilled burgers in honor of my birthday. A basket on his patio, which holds crushed and spent soda cans, was attracting bees like crazy, so he spiked a tiki torch into the ground near it and lit it, hoping to dispel the bees. Well, the effort mostly failed, and he decided to haul the basket off to the edge of the yard.

The burgers are ready, and we’re eating. His mother was over; she was tending the grill for him as he went inside for the tray. As he walked onto the patio to go in, he discovered that the torch had fallen into the back wall of the house and was still burning. I was inside eating when I saw him start freaking out on the back wall. My initial thought was that he found a beehive, but I soon grasped the gravity of the situation and ran out to help. He got a water hose and I started dousing the wall as he pulled more boards. Someone in our group called 911, and the firefighters were there in mere minutes, by which time most of the smoldering that had happened was quenched, but the wall was still warm on their infrared camera.

There was a channel in the wall that went from the foundation up to the attic; it’s my assumption that it’s part of the architectural design of the place, where three walls meet. The wick of the torch landed about a foot above the bottom of this channel and burned in the crack between two siding boards, so the hot gasses and extra fuel the torch created went straight up the channel. The firefighters noticed that there was charring halfway up and got the chainsaw to remove the boards all the way up. There was still charring, but the firefighter in the attic couldn’t see damage or heat, so after clearing most of the insulation and dousing what was left, there was no further sign of fire. Disaster averted.

The firefighters hung plastic sheeting over the wet mess to help weatherize the wall until the contractor could come in to repair it. They got details from my friend and his neighbor next door. Surprisingly, the neighbor had nothing but pleasant exchanges with my friend the whole time, not panicky, not accusatory. Technically, it was their first time talking in the month they’ve been living there. Even the leasing management agent, who my friend called to notify what happened, seemed relaxed about the whole thing. We’ll see how the fallout happens.

I think, perhaps, the most surreal thing about the whole event was that after it was over, we went back inside to finish our food and laugh about the whole thing. That’s just…weird. What else was there to do? Replace the wall ourselves? Overanalyze what happened? That’s what journals and insurance agents are for.

As the party wound down, his mother came to me on her way out and hugged me, said, “Well, happy birthday. At least you got to blow out a candle.” Battlefield humor at its finest.


Mar 27 2004

Twenty-Nine, and You Know I’m Lyin’

On Thursday, March 25th, 2004, I turned the ripe old age of 32 29. Yep. Uh-huh.

My roomate asked me earlier this week what I wanted to do on my birthday, and I made mention that I’d like to do that bowling outing we had planned a few weeks ago; thought it’d be fun. And he did the rest. The group of my friends and buddies, most of them from the IRC channels I hang out in, got to the bowling alley just shy of 9pm; we went in, reserved some lanes, and proceeded to the snack bar. It was there that my roomate presented to me a birthday card signed by all who attended and a few sheets of paper that comprised a pet adoption form from the Town Lake pound. They thought I should get a pussy for my birthday, and they chipped in the money to make it happen. It’s a nice gesture. Heh.

Well, the bowling was fun. I discovered, with much curiosity, that I seriously need to get my heart in shape. The act of getting up and throwing my ball made my heart pound. Yep. Get in shape. Heh. The ten of us had two lanes; I and my lane bowled two games, the other bowled three. My top score was 95 pretty damned good. The score sheets from the rounds are– My lane:Game 1, Game 2 — Other lane:Game 1, Game 2, Game 3. Naturally, we all went by our IRC nicknames. Naturally. Seeing that I had to work on friday, I went home after the gathering. But I had a good time.

Friday night, though, my roomate had another surprise waiting on me. Seriously, I gotta stop telling him my plans and stuff. Remember back two years ago when I was planning on throwing a “Triple X” birthday party, for when I turned 30? Well, he tried to make something similar happen. So, here I am, off of work, I run through the shower and get cleaned up for my usual friday night hanging out with my group of buddies. I go down to Flight Path to meet up, and hardly anyone from the group is there. Slowly, a few people show up, get “bored”, and decide to leave, asking me if I want to go hang out with them at the Love Shack. I finally relent and head down there with them. After noting all the cars in front of the house, which didn’t seem out of the ordinary, considering there’s usually a party or get-together at the “LS” every weekend, I park and we walk in. Everyone inside shouts “SURPRISE!” Surprise? Well, they had decided that I would at least have my porn party; some badly-produced porn, the most funny kind, was playing on the TV. (Never send gay men out to get straight porn. Heh.) I walk around, make my greetings to everyone, and grab a drink. It was going to be a long night. And it was. Went home around 3:30 this morning, sleepy and feeling ok.

Woke up around 11:30. Made some Gatorade to rehydrate myself after the lengthy sleeping-in and grabbed a snack bar. Got the strangest craving for some Genesis, so I’m ripping my two cd’s by the band, “Invisible Touch” and “We Can’t Dance”. That band really had their days; shame they withered away after “We Can’t Dance.” But that’s the thing about the lifetime of anything. Life is a bell curve. Life grades on the bell curve. Being just on the front side of the ascending apex of the curve gives me some perspective if I look around. A long view.

But, now, it’s time to attend to the matters of the day. Later.