[page2] phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

7:51 PM 3/9/00

Ah. A night OFF. Could it BE time well spent? Could I actually go OUT at night for once? Quite POSSIBLY.

Working my night JOB, I rarely get the chance to GET out and enjoy my TIME off. Living at NIGHT, all my “DAYS” are the same – DARK. It’s tough being awake when everybody ELSE is asleep. It wears on you AFTER a while — it’s worn on ME, and it’s wearing pretty THIN.

It seems to me that most of my ADULT life (and part of my teen years) has been SPENT doing things that preclude me FROM joining my peers in their PURSUITS, keeping me from developing too strong a BOND with them. I hear war-stories and RECOLLECTIONS of their activities as SECOND-hand retellings, like reading a history BOOK with a sense of humor; one of those “you HAD to be there” stories that never ENDS. In high school, I had a summer JOB that took the FREE-time I could have spent WITH most of my friends and took me AWAY from them. In NORTH Carolina, I had a night job that LEFT me solitary for an ENTIRE year before I left it: that was WHEN I suddenly developed a gathering of FRIENDS — for once, I finally met PEOPLE, but it took a virtual vow of POVERTY to do it (some call it UNEMPLOYMENT).

It seems THAT, in my cards, there is no RECONCILIATION between having a JOB and HAVING friends.

• • •

That sounded pretty TEEN-ANGST, didn’t it? Geez. What I mean WITH that is this: if some PATTERN begins to appear to you, SOMETHING that, in smaller doses, wouldn’t be ALARMING, but on a LIFE-LONG scale would drive someone to ANGER, tears, and depressive RESIGNATION, such as this job-v-friends thing, then it GETS pretty annoying.


See, I’ve had jobs during the DAY before. I’ve done the monday to FRIDAY 8 to 5 grind before; sure, I’ve BITCHED about doing it WHILE I was doing it (such is my nature), but at the least it released my EVENINGS to continue my pursuit of people who would RECOMMEND their time to me, people who would VOUCH for me, people who would actually GIVE a [damn] about me. Now that I’ve FOUND those people, and they know me, and they care for me, my 4-month-old NIGHT job has basically PRECLUDED me (once again) from continuing a FRUITFUL relationship with my friends, and has precluded ME from any chance of MEETING anyone new.

Was I a raucous SOCIALITE in a past life? Is this nothing more than COINCEDENCE? Is it in my CARDS, or in my head?

[page2] phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

10:23 AM 3/2/00:

Fool. At TIMES, I feel useless. POWERLESS. Yes, I think that’s a BETTER word for it.

Lately, I’ve faced a RASH of situations in which I could do nothing; I was POWERLESS to speak up, to demand my share of LUCK, to say something. When something happens in someone ELSE’S life, something that’s completely UNRELATED to me, and somehow it directly affects me and I have no CONTROL over it, I have no reaction but to get sorely PISSED off! I’ve had little more than those situations this week, and this is ENOUGH! I’ll have NO more of it!

And the universe GIGGLED.

I can’t HELP complaining; it’s in my NATURE to bitch, but completely out of my ELEMENT to break down and raise HELL about something that pisses me off. I can’t do THAT. It’s against my very fiber – raising myself UP to be mute, silent, SAFE; that instinct I’ve developed over the YEARS that’s helped me to SURVIVE this stupid world of OURS. I can scowl, bitch, moan and GROAN, but I can’t bother MYSELF to bring my liberties to BEAR. No. Can’t happen.

PISSED off, pissed ON.

• • •

Enough AMBIGUITY and ranting about things by HINTING at them….

This week, I’ve had the PLEASURE of meeting somebody (HI there!). She’s a very SWEET girl, and she’s been very kind and FRIENDLY to me, and I’m glad she came into MY life. We’ve known each OTHER for around a week, and at THIS time, I think she may become a good GAL-pal of mine.

I think my biggest PROBLEM with meeting other people, NEW people on top of that, is that I never BOTHERED to go outside of my own chosen GROUP of friends to intermingle with other PEOPLE. Last week, I was doing my usual long-VISIT to my friends at Moderne PRIMITIVES, just hanging out. I was OUTSIDE smoking when this certain GIRL and i started talking and whatnot. She asked for my [EMAIL] address, which I gave her, and she gave me HERS, and that next day, I wrote, and she REPLIED (funny when that happens). We called and talked to each OTHER for a while until I had to GO to work, and we’ve had an ongoing DIALOG since then.

I meet some of the best PEOPLE that way. It’s happened several times BEFORE.

SO. This is my challenge to YOU. Say “HI” to someone you would otherwise not GIVE a fuck about. Connect WITH somebody for however brief an instant. If it means talking the USUAL superficial weather bullshit, so BE it. A tip: aren’t you at all CURIOUS how they eat their breakfast? At the table, or ON the go?

Even a brief INTERLUDE with someone else who’s STUCK on the same planet that you ARE will give you enough basis to MEASURE yourself with. Try it, eh?

Welcome to Phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!


Ah, yes. It’s a new year. Only thing I have to say to that is — Y2WHAT?!

I’m still working, still plugging away at my current job. Not too many qualms about it. However, I still look for more gainful, enjoyable employment.

For those interested in my web skills, I have posted a portfolio of some of my work. Take a look at it if you wish. That’s why it’s there.

I’m making small advances towards the goal of having this site dynamically created by CGI. So far, I’ve worked on the essential document-display mechanisms. When I can get the CGI to plug the documents into a general site template, then all will be good. And when I can get the site update tools written and in place, all will be much better.

Elsewise, not too much going on. I’m beginning work on a “webwriting for pay” project. I’m not at liberty to say who the client is, but most of you who know me know who I’m talking about. It promises to be good.

Take care-

[page2] : more news about [phaysis] (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

Plans are in the beginning stages for some good things to come for [phaysis].

In the works are:

  • on-the-fly page generation from a database of documents
  • easier updating, which would allow more updates on a more regular basis
  • a journal, so I can anger more people than I know with my honest thoughts
  • a dynamic html persistent interface (ask your folks what that means)
  • a message board where you can leave general “guestbook” style shout-outs or leave comments on my journal
  • information about me, my resume, and anything else you’d like to know about me but may never know
  • and more randomly inserted crap than you can shake a channelbar at

Be patient as [phaysis] grows, changes, and progresses. Right now, it’s a blank slate, but tomorrow, next week, later, it will be something very good. If you like something about [phaysis], speak up; I do well with feedback.

Phaysis promises to go beyond the successes of the past.

Stay tuned.


Welcome to Phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

Welcome to phaysis.

New home.  New place.  New focus.
The Farm, as it is, is nearing its final days.  “The Farm” has been my sitename of choice for three years.  After carrying it as far as it can go, it’s time for The Farm to retire.

Phaysis is a new direction for me, a chance to go metropolitan in tone, design, and style.  The host for Phaysis supplies me with more capability, more control, and, admittedly, a lower cost.  This host allows me my first exposure with CGI programming and the strengths it brings with it.

This is my time to grow.

Be patient as Phaysis grows, changes, and progresses.  Right now, it’s a blank slate, but tomorrow, next week, later, it will be something very good.  If you like something about Phaysis, speak up; I do well with feedback.

Phaysis promises to go beyond the successes of the past.

Stay tuned.


What is “Phaysis”?

“Phaysis” is that grey area we live in, where we are changing, moving, evolving, yet nothing is really happening.  Through phases of both push and pull, a state of stasis is maintained.  Yet, this stasis cannot exist without the movement.

“phases impending stasis
stasis impending phases”

No matter what our state in life, we are always on the verge of something – something better, something worse.  If progress (or regress) are in dominant form, a step back from the picture shows that the opposite form is around the corner.

Phaysis is the constant battle of movement and non-movement.  Examine the spinning Phaysis logo in the bottom right corner of the window.  What is it doing?  It spins, but it goes nowhere.  Yet, it is also said that it goes nowhere, but it spins!  That is phaysis.

The face of phaysis is always changing.  Its appearance varies by our perspective, how we look at it, by what we project it onto.  Some cry “vanity!” and lose faith, while others look upon it and gain hope.  We feel it without touching it.  We cannot touch it.  We see it without looking at it.  We cannot look at it.  We know it without learning it.  We cannot learn it.  We call it Tao.  We call it Zen.  We call it the Holy Trinity.  We all address the same thing that we cannot possess, the one factor that is as deeply a part of everything that exists (and doesn’t exist).  “Each action produces an equal but opposite reaction.”  Phaysis is the duality.  Phaysis is the equality.  Phaysis is the nothingness.  That is phaysis.

I personally am on the verge of something good in my life.  I’m constantly on that edge.  I know it.  You know it about yourself.  I am also constantly on the verge of decay.  You can say the same.  Positive, negative, plus, minus, growth, decay, on, off, matter, antimatter = null.  That is phaysis.

Phaysis is in all things.  All things are in phaysis.  It is a part of everything.

That is phaysis.