I can’t go back to that medically-mediated flatline again, but if my soul is dead on its own, is there any harm in numbing it through the crisis? I think there is. Neurochemicals being what they are, if there’s an abundance of the one that helps you cope, it’s no longer endemically manufactured, so when the external source disappears, welcome to the k-hole of despair. I don’t want that. The more natural route is preferred. Cognitive therapy. Exercise. Something to work on, fixate on, to prevent the wall-staring, navel-gazing depths.

I recently went through the fun hell that is postpartum depression and anxiety. I refused the depression pill – I knew how to fix that. I’ve pulled myself out of depression before. I needed to get out and do more, exercise more. I know myself well and yes, that fixed the worst of the storm clouds. The rest are passing as my health improves.

The anxiety though didn’t pass on it’s own. I had to take the anti-anxiety pills. These are easier for me to deal with since I don’t have to take them every day or on any schedule. I take them as needed. I can treat anxiety like I treat a headache. Which is good. I still have anxiety. Maybe I will as long as I live because I am now a mother. I don’t know. But I know that I’m better as a mother and a partner taking that ant-anxiety drug when I’m going into a tailspin rather than letting it take over and dominate.

I don’t think either way is bad. But it is your choice and maybe you can find another way besides a pill. I know the name of a good therapist in Austin – she’s the one who gave me the impetus and encouragement to get over my depression without meds. Let me know if you want her name.

Guess what? It’s never that simple. You feel torn by two equally important needs: your solitude and your need to socialize. I have no answer for you, but I can assure you there’s not always some easy way to craft your destiny or whatever. Trust me. Parenthood has reinforced and enriched this lesson for me. You just have to do the best you can from moment to moment. Live your life as happily as you can without screwing anyone else over (although I have a hard time imagining you screwing anyone over). Life is a process and it is lived, not shot like a cannonball at a target.