(Phaysis)

Just about every road out of here, I’ve explored
Scattering to the four winds, I’ve been there
All around this town, I’ve lived, I’ve learned
and the road leads on…

Just about every corner of this town, I’ve turned
Looking under every stone, I’ve found all things
Going out far from this place, I’ve loved, I’ve dreamed
and life goes on…

And if the well should run dry
I’ll pack my things and leave
If eternity should die
I’ll know what to believe
If pebbles should fly
They’ll do it in my wake
If I should wonder why
Then how much can I take
from here?

Should I lie fallow now, death describes me
Letting my root wither, thunder shakes the tree
All truth found tough to swallow, I’m choking on the bone
and so my search reaches on…

Should my friends keep me here, shall I be bored to tears?
Resting in the corner, silencing the virtue of all those years
I set my foot down for the liquid ground beyond
and the walk marches on…

And if my hope should run out
I know my friends are with me there
If the suffocation is too great
I can breathe in the air
If the stars should blur the night
We’ll watch them where we are
If the heaven we find is right
We’ll know that it is far
from here!

(September, 1996)

getting out of bed, like there’s no god
forceful, ball of gas burning turning gold, then white
squinting eyes, tilting shadows, killing night

dream is over, the nightmare is dead
no god of mine, in mind, to find
in my head, in my heart, in my bed

today, i’ll forget everything i ever knew
disbelieve everything i’ve ever loved
and say one everlasting prayer –

thanks for putting up with me
good night to you, lord
now i lay you down to sleep.

terra spin, ground movement under way
footwork, artwork, shitwork, clockwork
to the stop of time, to end today

now all things fit together in stride
sinful play is now playground
and it’s finally good outside

fusion furnace of hydrogen, origin unknown
it came from somewhere, but i don’t care
it’s there and it shines down, warms the stone

but it can still be calloused and cold
on the sunny side of stained-glass windows,
where the sun sets like there’s no god

with whispered doubts in hushed breaths,
prayers, for souls to keep in the night
for when we finally lay down and sleep.

(June 20, 1997)

If I could have one wish, I’d like to actually be creative. Proactively creative, procreative, instead of being clever in a reactive, reactionary sort of way. The kind of proactivity that sparks the genesis of an idea, pushes it to germinate, punch through the soil, and grow until it has reached fruition and has born seeds to be carried forth and planted elsewhere.

Most of my creativity comes in the form of reacting to statements, comments, words uttered by others and trying to be witty or charming. It’s obvious to me that it’s gotten me nowhere.

What I’d like is to be one of these intensely creative people I see drawing, painting, writing, recording and turning nothing into a powerful something that moves and inspires others. I’m tired of being the passive inspired. Of being the automatic bear trap. Of sitting in wait for the end so I can begin. My life is half over. What have I to show for it?

Been too long to try and hide it
I no longer want to fight it
Why do I feel so slighted?
My love for Austin’s unrequited.

She lead me on in hopeful lust
Move my heart to future trust
Laughing now, boom went to bust
Hope broken crumbled to dust

Forgotten that she knew me
Forgotten that I bleed
Foregone her love divided
For all my inner need

Got lost along the greenbelt
Lost hope for my own place
Lost chance for lifting myself
To stick it in her face

She
Gave me
Less than three.

Ten the count of withered years
Hope is turned to angry tears
No clarity in private fears
Or charity in public jeers

Why do I feel so exposed?
Million eyes to me are closed
Respect isn’t how I am posed
Friendless now I am disposed

Can’t sit alone and feel numb
Can’t wallow and frustrate
Can’t worry if I sound dumb
Can’t stifle the create

Won’t live this life alone now
Won’t crush under this weight
Won’t stop until I know how
To carry my own fate

I
Deserve
More than that.

Break the sun!
Race towards the common ground
Life! Rewards! Dream!
On the highest of the higher planes.

Sieze—my—heart
Give me ’til morning dew I promise you
Freeze—the—gun
Morning a pistol SHOT!
And the race is on.

Be the one!
Let me be the only one for you
Love! Hold on! Regrets!
Challenges of Daily Bread.

Who are you?
Did you seek the morning castaway?
Hold out, fight, tonight—

Even though the world can beat you down
I am standing calling
Hold on to this life with me, tonight.
. . . Tonight.
Morning come to keep you down
Highest spirits heavy falling
Living under the starting gun
Time to fight!

Live! Love! Dream!
Heaven going ever higher
Sieze the world for me tonight!
. . . Tonight.
Give! Shove! Steam!
Hotter than the sun of summer
Hold out! Hold on! Hold on!
. . . Hold on!

Living out your dreams—

(written 1997-03-31)