(Phaysis)

“You are responsible for your own experience.”

From what I’ve been told, this statement is posted at the front gate of any Burning Man event. It is supposed to be an admonition to seize your own destiny and craft the kind of life you want to lead.

To me, it feels like an after-the-fact, regret-filled I-told-you-so. If I am not living as I had hoped, then the burden of blame is laid squarely on my own shoulders. I mean, by this logic, who else can possibly be at fault?

If my own nature casts me as happiest when I am alone, but my desire leaves me unhappy at being alone, then how am I to reconcile this inherent disconnect between nature and desire? Which of them should I lose if they can’t be made whole? Who am I if I can’t rise above this struggle and do something about it?

Let it be said that when I am at a table by myself with a book, when I am alone in my apartment working on a project, when I am driving a lonesome road with the music, I am truly happy and sufficiently content.

At the same stroke, I am also terribly lonely and mildly discontent at the spectre of being alone every time I am in these happy places.

It is from being around people that I manage to stay grounded in reality, that I somehow retain my ability to talk, to formulate coherent sentences to convey meaning and message without noise or babble. The more I am alone, the less coherent my thoughts become until the conversations are all in my head and you only hear what leaks out.

So how do I reconcile these two polar extremes? What is the middle ground between being happy with productivity and being not lonely?

If you’ve not been following along in other forums, I have moved to a new apartment. Moved the furniture on Wednesday, and cleared the last things out the next day. My friends Jerry and Tam helped me with the bulk of all that, and I’m grateful for their help. Now I’m finally free of the tyranny of heavy footsteps above me and namecalling in the halls.

Because I didn’t give the required 30-day notice (since I seriously wanted to get the hell out as fast as possible), the landlady informed me that she would be keeping my entire deposit. If I would’ve known that, I would not have even bothered cleaning the damned place. I gave as much notice as I could, but since everything was moving so fast, I wanted to wait until I actually signed the new lease before I made my announcement. Can’t fault me for that, but otherwise everything happened fast and smooth. My deposit was $300, about half a month’s rent. I’m writing it off, but don’t consider it a total loss. It’s the price I’m paying for peace of mind. My stomach no longer churns and pings when I think about going to my apartment.

The new place is bigger than the old, plus I have a balcony and an outside storage closet. There’s a dining room attached to the living room that’s almost too small for my table, but perfectly sized for my music gear, so I’ll be setting up my studio there. Finally, my gear will be within sight and within mind, instead of being in my bedroom and an afterthought on my way to bed. It’s my hope that I’ll eventually be more productive in my music. I’ll also assume that the floors are a little thicker here, so I can relax and be comfortable with using my audio monitors instead of trying to mix through headphones to keep from angering the neighbors.

I managed to exchange a few greetings with the neighbors next door; nice couple, I assume. Seldom hear them. Haven’t met the neighbor downstairs, but I’ve heard she’s a professional or graduate student. She dresses well, so that’s something. I do hear her on occasion, mainly during the day. I assume she uses the weekends to clean and play some music while she does so. I could hear her stereo, but at least it was during the day. Heard her knocking around this morning, which kinda woke me up a little.

Honestly, I’ll just have to expect that when I live in apartments. There’s absolutely no way to get around hearing your neighbors knocking or slamming. Landlord says this is a quiet complex; that just means there’s little crime and everybody goes to sleep. Otherwise, it’s the internal noises of apartment living that are unavoidable.

Some noises, however, were unexpected, like the loud humming in my bedroom. The hum is from the A/C compressor which is mounted on the roof directly above my bedroom. At least I can control that noise…just don’t run the A/C when I go to bed. Thankfully, winter is coming up, so that’ll be easy enough to do. The neighbor’s A/C compressor, though, I can still hear it, but her compressor’s over my bathroom, so it’s not as loud.

In the evening, around sunset, some of the trees near the complex get crowded by screaming birds as they do their daily quorum. There’s also a family of parrots that live in the cellphone tower just outside my apartment, so I hear them cawwing at times.

My balcony also overlooks the back parking lot of a busy restaurant. Car alarms and door slams.

One of my neighbors is, apparently, a professional bongo player. Haven’t heard him practice yet.

About once a night a trash truck will come around and bang around one of the many, many dumpsters that are in front of the many, many businesses along my street.

It sounds like I’m in for a bad time, but I guess as long as I expect it and learn how to take it like a man, I’ll be fine. At least I don’t have the shitheads in #214 stomping, slamming, and being otherwise intentionally abusive with their noise.

So the apartment saga grows more absurd. I’ve been without an Internet connection since Thursday because of the actions of idiots. There is a small construction crew doing work on the apartment complex; they’re rebuilding the supports for all the upper-floor walkways, replacing the rotting wooden vertical beams with steel. Fine, I say.

But Thursday, I noticed that my ssh connection to my house had gone dead. Nothing I could do from work would bring it back. OK, I thought. So after I finally get home, I take a look. The power to the apartment is on; it didn’t burn in a fire; the server was running and was responsive; but the cable modem was offline. So I log into the cable modem, the signal level was low enough that it basically said “Hey, I’m physically disconnected.” So I grab my flashlight and look outside, tracing the cable line as far as I can. Didn’t take long before I found the problem: the construction crew intentionally cut my cable line. They cut a lot of people’s lines. Intentionally.

So I called Time Warner and let them know what was going on; they’ll send me a tech to service the line, but the soonest he can come out is — get this — Sunday. Three days without Internet at my apartment. I had a nice little chat with the landlady about it the next morning. She basically covered for their stupid asses and made excuses. Blowing smoke, basically. “Oh, they had to do that, it was in the way…they’ll fix it today.” Like I trust welders to repair my telecommunications lines. By end of Friday, you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. They didn’t fix it. Why did she feel like it was necessary to lie like that?

At least I know I’m not the only one inconvenienced by the debacle. There were at least ten other lines cut. My only hope is that Time Warner will take notice and see fit to fine the apartment management for letting this happen, and that the management will pass the buck on to the contractors. It’s a damn good thing I’m moving out; this whole things just feels like a final “Fuck you, get out” sort of thing.

On a positive note, my lease application was accepted at the new place, and all I gotta do is sign the lease agreement, decide on a move-in date, and write a check. Can’t wait. Been slowly moving stuff out of my apartment and into the storage. Now that I’ve gotten a lot of stuff trashed, given away, or stashed in the storage unit, the amount of stuff I have doesn’t seem so unbearable.

Quick note to inform you guys that I’m intending to move out of my apartment by month’s end. The neighbors upstairs have gotten aggressive with their noisemaking, and since my lease expires on the 30th, it’s high time to get the fuck out. Tired of being rudely awakened every morning before 7 by their stomping and chores. We had a “discussion” in the breezeway yesterday, and it came out that my sarcastic note on their door (as well as my banging on my ceiling) meant I was an asshole. “At least have the decency to talk to us,” they said. Like that would end well.

That was all the prompting I needed to find a place and get wheels in motion. I checked out a place coming up for rent that adds 120 square feet for only $85 more. It’s one more exit up MoPac, but I’ll live. Put in my application, application fee, and earnest money on the place…here’s hoping my rental and background check come up OK. Assuming that’ll fly, then I got it. Here’s hoping.

Rented a storage unit as a way-station for my packing. It’s what I did last time I moved, and it proved immensely useful to have things mostly moved out so all I needed to do on moving day was furniture and a few final boxes, and then move all my stuff from the storage unit to my new place on my own leisure. I’m doing that this time, too, mostly to ensure that I can get out as fast as possible.

In that light, I’ve been digging through my boxes. Can you believe I’ve come across at least five boxes full of miscellaneous paper crap that I’ll never, ever need? We’re talking bills from 1997, check stubs from jobs I had a decade ago, paperwork for health insurance I’m no longer covered by. Like who the hell needs that crap?

If it’s older than 2007, do I really need it? No. No I don’t. So unless it’s something interesting, like a sketch, doodle, greeting card, letter, tax paperwork, or something to do with any of my current concerns, it’s perfect fodder for the shredder and trash bag. Seriously, I’ve collected too much bullshit, and it’s time to clean that bull out. So far, I’ve liberated five boxes. Immensely gratifying. And there’s more to come!

I’m really hoping I’ll get this place. It’s got a balcony, it’s upstairs, has outside storage, and except for the smaller kitchen is more spacious. There’s some quirks that I’ll have to adjust to, but all told, it’s a change for the better. Wish me luck.