Almost 7 weeks since my first official day of quarantine.
This is difficult.
No family, no lovers, no roommates, no pets. Just the occasional telemediated conversation. If not for the Internet, I would’ve lost my shit weeks ago, or would’ve broken quarantine.
I guess I can thank my years of being alone, working alone, sitting alone, taking the overnight shifts, sitting in front of screens in chat rooms, doing the thankless things nobody else will do, just so I can carve out my own space in this stupid, hateful world, for helping me to survive This Current Time.
I’m trying to do the right thing. But unlike the thousands of others out there doing the wrong thing and flaunting it, I’m suffering in my own isolation. I don’t want to get sick, and I don’t want to be a carrier, and I don’t want to injure others. But if I isolate and become a terrible, hate-filled, angry man, then what good is it?
I’d like to say my time away from the world was spent on doing something creative, making myself better, writing stories, creating songs, drawing things, learning painting, reading all the books on my list, putting myself into a better place, but that would be a lie. I’ve done nonesuch. I haven’t even written a single paper journal entry since lockdown started; I don’t want to open that floodgate.
I still work, still have a day job; working from home means I don’t lose so many hours of the day in the pursuit of cleaning up, feeding myself, prepping my mid-day meal, commuting, and hanging out for many wasted hours at the cafe after work — but I still somehow find a way to lose that time. It’s just gone. It’s not a reflection of my situation; it’s a reflection of my priorities. And my priorities are as fucked as my life.
I gotta find a way through this, but right now, I can’t even find a hand to hold. Not without breaking quarantine, not without finding that ultimate trust, a trust that would take 14 days to prove if it was well-placed or if it was a life-altering mistake.
Our lives are cars; our only job as drivers is to never, ever touch any other car with our own for as long as we own them. This is our new reality. Whatever the hell that’s worth.