Monthly Archives: March 2000

[page2] phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

7:51 PM 3/9/00

Ah. A night OFF. Could it BE time well spent? Could I actually go OUT at night for once? Quite POSSIBLY.

Working my night JOB, I rarely get the chance to GET out and enjoy my TIME off. Living at NIGHT, all my “DAYS” are the same – DARK. It’s tough being awake when everybody ELSE is asleep. It wears on you AFTER a while — it’s worn on ME, and it’s wearing pretty THIN.

It seems to me that most of my ADULT life (and part of my teen years) has been SPENT doing things that preclude me FROM joining my peers in their PURSUITS, keeping me from developing too strong a BOND with them. I hear war-stories and RECOLLECTIONS of their activities as SECOND-hand retellings, like reading a history BOOK with a sense of humor; one of those “you HAD to be there” stories that never ENDS. In high school, I had a summer JOB that took the FREE-time I could have spent WITH most of my friends and took me AWAY from them. In NORTH Carolina, I had a night job that LEFT me solitary for an ENTIRE year before I left it: that was WHEN I suddenly developed a gathering of FRIENDS — for once, I finally met PEOPLE, but it took a virtual vow of POVERTY to do it (some call it UNEMPLOYMENT).

It seems THAT, in my cards, there is no RECONCILIATION between having a JOB and HAVING friends.

• • •

That sounded pretty TEEN-ANGST, didn’t it? Geez. What I mean WITH that is this: if some PATTERN begins to appear to you, SOMETHING that, in smaller doses, wouldn’t be ALARMING, but on a LIFE-LONG scale would drive someone to ANGER, tears, and depressive RESIGNATION, such as this job-v-friends thing, then it GETS pretty annoying.

RIGHT?

See, I’ve had jobs during the DAY before. I’ve done the monday to FRIDAY 8 to 5 grind before; sure, I’ve BITCHED about doing it WHILE I was doing it (such is my nature), but at the least it released my EVENINGS to continue my pursuit of people who would RECOMMEND their time to me, people who would VOUCH for me, people who would actually GIVE a [damn] about me. Now that I’ve FOUND those people, and they know me, and they care for me, my 4-month-old NIGHT job has basically PRECLUDED me (once again) from continuing a FRUITFUL relationship with my friends, and has precluded ME from any chance of MEETING anyone new.

Was I a raucous SOCIALITE in a past life? Is this nothing more than COINCEDENCE? Is it in my CARDS, or in my head?

[page2] phaysis (from the archives)

Part of a series of posts from my old website archives. Enjoy!

10:23 AM 3/2/00:

Fool. At TIMES, I feel useless. POWERLESS. Yes, I think that’s a BETTER word for it.

Lately, I’ve faced a RASH of situations in which I could do nothing; I was POWERLESS to speak up, to demand my share of LUCK, to say something. When something happens in someone ELSE’S life, something that’s completely UNRELATED to me, and somehow it directly affects me and I have no CONTROL over it, I have no reaction but to get sorely PISSED off! I’ve had little more than those situations this week, and this is ENOUGH! I’ll have NO more of it!

And the universe GIGGLED.

I can’t HELP complaining; it’s in my NATURE to bitch, but completely out of my ELEMENT to break down and raise HELL about something that pisses me off. I can’t do THAT. It’s against my very fiber – raising myself UP to be mute, silent, SAFE; that instinct I’ve developed over the YEARS that’s helped me to SURVIVE this stupid world of OURS. I can scowl, bitch, moan and GROAN, but I can’t bother MYSELF to bring my liberties to BEAR. No. Can’t happen.

PISSED off, pissed ON.

• • •

Enough AMBIGUITY and ranting about things by HINTING at them….

This week, I’ve had the PLEASURE of meeting somebody (HI there!). She’s a very SWEET girl, and she’s been very kind and FRIENDLY to me, and I’m glad she came into MY life. We’ve known each OTHER for around a week, and at THIS time, I think she may become a good GAL-pal of mine.

I think my biggest PROBLEM with meeting other people, NEW people on top of that, is that I never BOTHERED to go outside of my own chosen GROUP of friends to intermingle with other PEOPLE. Last week, I was doing my usual long-VISIT to my friends at Moderne PRIMITIVES, just hanging out. I was OUTSIDE smoking when this certain GIRL and i started talking and whatnot. She asked for my [EMAIL] address, which I gave her, and she gave me HERS, and that next day, I wrote, and she REPLIED (funny when that happens). We called and talked to each OTHER for a while until I had to GO to work, and we’ve had an ongoing DIALOG since then.

I meet some of the best PEOPLE that way. It’s happened several times BEFORE.

SO. This is my challenge to YOU. Say “HI” to someone you would otherwise not GIVE a fuck about. Connect WITH somebody for however brief an instant. If it means talking the USUAL superficial weather bullshit, so BE it. A tip: aren’t you at all CURIOUS how they eat their breakfast? At the table, or ON the go?

Even a brief INTERLUDE with someone else who’s STUCK on the same planet that you ARE will give you enough basis to MEASURE yourself with. Try it, eh?